Movie Scum

Written by: PBF The Taking , the first feature length film by The BAPrtists ( Lydelle Jackson and Cezil Reed ) is a bold and well crafted horror film. Upon viewing, the time, emotion and care employed to create this film exudes from the screen and forms an impressive entry in to the cinematic universe. We meet Carl ( John Halas ) and Jade ( Alana Jackler ). Carl's fiancé, Carolina ( Linda Rodriguez ) has cheated on him with his best friend. Jade's daughter was murdered by a man ( Frank Bliss ) and was never caught. They have both somehow found themselves tied to trees in the woods. They suffer from bizarre and horrifying visions and are tormented by a family that perform various rituals. Each vision seems to possess them, and leave them bloodier and weaker. They are frequently confronted by the very cause of the rage that may have brought them to the woods; Carolina and the man that killed Jade's daughter. Carl comes to the realization that this is a place to face on...

Written by: PBF Chernobyl Diaries  is basically The Hills Have Eyes . Except it sucks. Although, the premise is interesting and believable; too bad the writing and acting ruined all of that. Chris, Amanda and Natalie (Chris's girlfriend) are travelling through Europe. They see all the usual touristy stuff then head to Kiev, to visit Paul, Chris's brother. After that, they plan to visit Moscow. However, at breakfast, Paul describes something called "extreme tourism," which, as soon as he said that phrase, I imagined some twenty-something slamming a Mountain Dew and exclaiming, "I saw the shit out of Big Ben!" As it turns out, extreme tourism is simply a flashy term for touring places that one would not think of touring. For example, Chernobyl. Paul met a gentleman named Uri, who runs such a service and he describes it to the others. They are reluctant at first, but via Paul's charm and whimsy, eventually agree to go. Two others, Michael and Zoe, joi...

Written by: PBF The Summer of Massacre will arrive on DVD and Blu-Ray on January 10th 2012 via Breaking Glass Pictures. It is 5 stories so bloody; so full of carnage that it is apparently in the Guinness Book of World records for highest body count recorded in a film. I am too lazy to verify that, so, you know, go ahead and Google or Wikipedia that. Whichever one you use to tell you what to believe. You ever wanted to know what it would be like if Clive Barker took mescaline and then made a film? Joe Castro provides us with a pretty good guess. This film is ultra violent about 98.7% of the time. We have 5 chapters of dizzying images, ear piercing sounds and nonsensical industrial house music, and blood flowing like urine from a pissing contest atop Mt. Everest. I mean if something or someone could bleed, they did, as if their lives depended on it (!).

Written by: PBF George: A Zombie Intervention (or George’s Intervention ) comes to us via Breaking Glass Pictures. It’s quite an interesting take on the genre, but poorly executed. The film opens with an educational film shown to school children. The opening was actually quite clever. It serves as exposition to us, and is meant to teach children the facts about zombies. Zombies have become members of society. So much so that there is a zombie technical support line. There are spores in the air that humans inhale. The spores lie dormant until the human dies. The spores then wake up and keep the brain functioning thus turning the human into a zombie. Not mindless Romero zombies. Rather, they simply remain their former selves, and are self aware that they are the undead. Unlike your typical film zombies, shooting them in the head does not kill them. It only makes them brain dead which turns them into the standard flesh seeking walkers. They only way to kill a zombie in this univers...

Written by: PBF First off, I have never read the graphic novel, so I swear to God, if you negate my review if this film wasn’t faithful to the source material, I will sick Kane Hodder on you. S cott Pilgrim vs. The World is 100% pure entertainment. Every fucking thing about it. From the comic booky words that fly on the screen, to the insanely clever script that is basically a group of well constructed lines stacked in order of hilarity that assemble a story. Visually, aurally, intellectually and otherwisely this film is extremely pleasing. It’s almost guerilla like in its blatant disregard for seamless scene transitions. Which, by the way, is awesome. Pretty much every scene or line is completely unexpected and hilarious. There literally is a laugh about every 1.5 seconds. I have accused Michael Cera of being repetitive in his characters. This is the first film in which even though he still employs some of the same traits, I did notice that he does actually distinguish his ...

Written by: PBF Ghost from the Machine (or Phasma Ex Machina) is writer/director Matt Osterman ’s feature film debut. It had a budget of $25,000. If my review doesn’t give you a clue how good the film is, maybe this will: Universal Pictures is remaking it already. Cody ( Sasha Andreev ) and his younger brother James ( Max Hauser ) lost their parents due to a car accident. Cody is riddled with guilt as he blames himself. He dropped out of college, does not have a job and is living off of the insurance money from the accident. He becomes obsessed with the thought of getting his parents back and spends most of his time and money constructing an electrical device. In a nutshell, Cody basically believes that there is a shortage of a certain type of energy between our world and the other side. He believes that if he can supply this energy there would be no separation and he can then be reunited with his parents. This has caused him to in effect neglect James, whom he is supposed to b...

Written by: PBF The Coffin , directed by Ekachai Uekrongtham will be released on DVD August 31, via Breaking Glass Pictures. It is based on a Thai ritual. The ritual involves a person who wishes to “cheat death and end bad luck” being sealed in a coffin and a funeral being performed over them. This is done in large groups. People claim to have gone into a coffin with Cancer and come out only to be given a clean bill of health on their next doctor visit. Some people believe in it and others believe it is hogwash. Su (Karen Mok) is a young woman who left Bangkok and Jack, to whom she was going to marry. She hasn’t told anyone that she has lung cancer. She goes to Thailand to be part of a mass funeral. Soon after participating (possibly even on her way home from it as the movie suggests) she is involved in a serious car accident. She escapes with only bruises, but learns that she no longer has cancer. While recuperating, she is given some terrible news and begins to have disturbing ...

Written by: PBF Rania Ajami’s Asylum Seekers will arrive on DVD on August 30th. There is really only one way to describe this film: batshit crazy. The simple synopsis of the film is as follows: 6 people who can be categorized as insane for some reason or another, seek asylum (ha) from the outside world that is ever increasing it’s focus on excess and more more more. They arrive at a mental health facility that is very lavish and promises to take care of their every need. However, so popular is this facility, there is only one bed left. Much like an Ivy League college, this facility will only accept the best of the best insane people. So how do you declare the best of the best? Why, have a competition of course. What ensues is a brightly colored, blatant parody of several things, including American Idol and The Rocky Horror Picture Show . I will tell you this. This film is ambitious, well acted and even well directed. However. The film sucks. The film loses itself in its own i...

Written by: PBF Paul Thomas Anderson ’s Boogie Nights is inspired by, loosely based on or whatever you want to call it, the life of porn star John Holmes (at times, it even directly lifts dialogue from interviews with Holmes that appeared in a later documentary in which featured Anderson) . While the two are similar, it is more so a fictitious depiction of the lives of some folks in the porn industry during the 70s and 80s. It does have some true elements to it, such as the movement to get porn to convert from film to videotape. Ultimately, it is an examination of several people’s lives as they move in and out of the adult film world. The main story of this film revolves around Eddie Adams ( Mark Wahlberg ), a 17 year old who works at a car wash by day and a nightclub at…well, night. Eddie believes that everyone has one special thing that they are blessed with. His special thing happens to be a penis that hangs around 13 inches or so. The particular nightclub that he works for,...

Written by: PBF Exit 33 will be released to DVD on August 2 via Breaking Glass Pictures. It is directed by Tommy Brunswick and stars Kane Hodder . You may remember Hodder from his role as the best Jason Voorhees ever (in arguably the worst installments of that franchise). He has also appeared in Adam Green’s Hatchet films (and many others). A small group of friends (some travelling alone, some together) are going to their 5 year high school reunion. On their way, they come across Ike’s Last Chance Gas. In addition to owning the gas station, Ike (Hodder) is a bit of a taxidermist and also makes a fine venison jerky. His deer heads and jerky can be found in his store. This station lies off of Exit 33, which not often used (despite the 9 or so visitors in one night). Ike and his store seem a bit creepy. For good reason. Ike is deeply troubled and has a terrible secret. Unfortunately for some of his patrons, they find out exactly what it is.

Written by: PBF Strangers Online is excruciating. Watching it is like watching one of those Cinemax movies that come on at 2am, but actually trying to care for and follow the plot. Yes, this film should be nestled right between Sex Games: Vegas and The Bare Wench Project. Much like my relationship with this film, Hollis Parker (Noel Palomaria) is trying to forget the memory and stop the nightmares of when his wife was murdered 4 years ago. Currently, he hosts a web show called Strangers Online. Guests call via their web cams for sexual and relationship advice, to show their bodies, or sometimes just to be plain weird. Hollis’s show is quite popular, as is he. Hollis is in therapy, as he is guilt ridden over not being able to protect his wife from being murdered. This is what leads to his nightmares. He lives in seclusion with his girlfriend, Laura (Eva Frajko). A new intern, Karen (Tara Killian) has quite a crush on Hollis, which develops into an unhealthy obsession. Laura also ...

Written by: PBF In yet another porn to mainstream transition, adult film star Alexis Texas stars in Bloodlust Zombies . This film is sort of a piss poor combination of Office Space and Zombieland . And porno. It arrives on DVD on July 5th. So there is this office building. In the building there is a lab where some kind of chemical is being developed and tested. At the beginning of the film, all we know about it is that it seems to make house cats insane. The boss and Andrea (Texas) are having sex when they accidentally tun the office intercom system on. The entire building can hear the fornication and react by laughing and/or mimicking sexual positions. Why, even the serious minded lab workers join in the fun and accidentally cause a spill. Someone gets bitten by an insane house cat test subject and BAM! There’s your outbreak. So, to be more factual, these would be blood lust infected, not zombies. It is later explained that the chemical was actually designed to be used in wars as...

Written by: PBF The Anniversary at Shallow Creek is very reminiscent of other horror films. It’s predictable. It’s formulaic. And yet…I kind of enjoyed it. College kids and lovers Sam and Paige have decided to take a nice vacation to Sam’s uncle’s house. Unfortunately, Paige’s brother Anthony invites himself and his girlfriend along, and then 2 more kids join. What was mean to be a romantic getaway turns in to a party for 3 girls and 3 guys. The house appears to be located in a desert or a just plain under developed area where the houses are so far apart, you can make as much noise as you want, and no one else will hear you. The name of the place is Shallow Creek, and exactly one year ago to the day, a young couple were murdered in the same area. Will history repeat itself? What the hell do you think? Drunken young people on vacation in a remote location where people have been murdered before? Well, I wont spoil it for you. Yes. So, here’s the thing about this film. You wil...

Written by: PBF Given its competition, Kung Fu Panda 2 is probably the last movie on most people’s list to go and see right now. I sincerely hope not, as Kung Fu Panda 2 is very enjoyable, even better than its predecessor and will entertain adults and children alike. In the first Kung Fu Panda , we met Po ( Jack Black ), a panda with a goose (James Hong) for a father and devoted fan of the Furious Five, a group of Kung Fu masters. He defeated Tai Lung and attained the title of Dragon Warrior. In the sequel, China faces a new villain, a peacock named Shen ( Gary Oldman ). Shen has vowed to destroy Kung Fu and has developed a deadly weapon to help him accomplish this goal. While fighting a pack of wolves stealing metal for the weapon, Po notices a symbol and suddenly has a flashback of his mother. This prompts him to ask his father Mr. Ping where he came from, as clearly he could not have been born of geese. He learns that this is true, but the story he is told does not reveal m...

Written by: PBF Ninjas vs. Vampires is writer director Justin Timpane ’s follow up to Ninjas vs. Zombies (which I have not seen). I must apologize to Mr. Timpane. While viewing this film, I sent Puck a text calling this film terrible. I rescind that. There are some terrible things in the film, but I now find that adjective to be not applicable to the film as a whole. Aaron and Alex are hanging out late at night at what is sure to be an unsafe location. They have known each for years, and Alex considers Aaron to be her best friend. Aaron on the other hand, has stronger feelings and would like to be her boyfriend. He vocalizes this and is quickly shot down. To further ruin his night, the pair is suddenly attacked by vampires. Just when it appears a feeding is to occur, a group of ninjas appear and save them. “What the fuck?” you say? I assure you, I type the truth. The group is part actual ninjas, as they practice martial arts, but they are also some sort of X-Men type group in ...

Written by: PBF Remind me to keep my mouth shut the next time I say I should have been scarred . 2010's I Spit on Your Grave is a remake of a 1978 film of the same name. I was unimpressed by the original with its bland characters, lack of tension and surprisingly boring execution of a heinous serious of events. The rectifies these issues, but to the complete extreme. The story is the same; a writer named Jennifer arrives in the deep country to write her first novel. Before she gets to her cabin, she interacts with some locals, a healthy mix of creepy, retarded and seemingly harmless. An embarrassing event occurs at the gas station which establishes part of a motive for some depraved acts. This combined with a retarded chap\'s misinterpretation of a kiss from Jennifer, quickly results in the go ahead for those acts. Jennifer is assaulted, mentally tortured, and ultimately raped repeatedly. Before the assailants can kill her, she jumps into the river and disappears. Her b...

Written by: PBF Title that makes no sense? Subject I had not heard about? Documentary? Surely Cropsey is not for me. Quite the contrary. Cropsey is a documentary by Barbara Brancaccio and Joshua Zeman, who grew up on Staten Island. As kids (though they did not know each other at the time) each were familiar the urban legend of Cropsey, an escaped mental patient who kidnapped and murdered children. He varies from story to story, sometimes having a hook and other times wielding an axe. On July 9, 1987 a young girl named Jennifer Schweiger is kidnapped. After Andre Rand is arrested as a suspect, it seems like Cropsey may not just be an urban legend. Rand was on orderly at Willowbrook, a mental institution for children who were mentally ill, or handicapped. In 1972, Geraldo Rivera did an investigative report on the facility, exposing the horrible treatment of the patients (and employees) and their living conditions. Ultimately, the facility is shut down and the building left abandone...

Written by: PBF Unlike the previous reviews, I will not be giving you a recap of the finale of Freddy vs. Jason. Only because it has nothing to do with the continuity of the Friday the 13th. For this is a re-something involving several of the early films. During the credit sequence of this film we see Pamela Voorhees chasing a a young girl. It is June, 13, 1980. She tells the girl that she must pay for letting her son Jason drown. Unfortunately for her, the young girl chops her damn head off. After the credits end, we transplanted to “present day,” which is 20 years later according to some dialogue. A group of young people are hiking, and stop near Camp Crystal Lake to find some marijuana that they heard was being grown in the woods. As tradition dictates, there is an obligatory camp scene and the legend of Jason is told. The same poor choices are made; some have sex, some wander off and find Camp Crystal Lake. Jason kills everyone except for Whitney. He keeps her. Flash forward ...

Written by: PBF We are going to travel back in time, but first, a briefing of what happened to Jason in Jason X, which chronologically(thus far) was his final adventure. He awakens on a space vessel in 2455 after being frozen years earlier. He begins to murder the folks aboard and actually almost is destroyed, but is rebuilt in to Super Jason. He has some kind of Cobra Commander looking new metal mask and is now a cyborg. Jason ends up literally “in” space floating at a very high speed about to collide with the survivors, but Sgt. Brodsky flies towards him and they both start heading toward Earth II where they are sucked in to the atmosphere. Thankfully, lakes exist on Earth II and we see two young people at one as they watch a shooting star fall in to the lake.  It’s Jason’s mask! Wooooo! What will happen next? Oh, yeah, we go back in time and visit another troubled town. If you recall, at the end of Goes to Hell, Jason was defeated and in fact sent to hell. Suddenly, Freddy...

Written by: PBF Holy shit! Did you see what happened at the end of Jason Goes to Hell (if you managed to sit through the whole thing)?! Freddy Kruger’s arm came out of the ground and took Jason’s mask to…hell? Wait, is Freddy in hell? I guess that makes sense. I mean he certainly would not be in heaven. But how does Freddy know about Jason? Is there news in dreamworld or hell? Did one of his victims get wind of the Crystal Lake murders and dream about it? How am I expected to keep track of all of this?! At least Jason X will answer these questions. Oh, wait. No it won’t. See, Freddy pulled Jason in to development hell. Somehow he managed to escape long enough to travel in to the future and appear in Jason X. But what happened last episode? Well, Jason killed his half sister Diana. He tried his damnedest to posses his niece Jessica so he could be reborn, but could not. Instead, his heart, morphed in to some weird baby looking creature crawled in to dead Diana’s vagina. Reborn! The...