Movie Scum

Photo: 20th Century Films It's finally happening! At least I presume someone is excited about this weekend's release of the long-delayed The New Mutants from Josh Boone , said to be the final hurrah of Fox's X-Men continuity. The film was shot in summer of 2017 with a targeted release date of early 2018. In case you don't have a calendar handy, that was over two years ago with the delays blamed on test screenings, reshoots, studios changing hands, and of course, a global pandemic.     So, in honor of this long-gestating piece of 2017 nostalgia, let's look at some other films that have fallen into the abyss of release date shuffles and burials.  

As of this writing, Wikipedia lists 456 American films classified as slashers. Sprinkled among the well-known franchises like Friday the 13th and semi-famous one-offs like Dr. Giggles are a hodgepodge of lesser-known titles. Here is a sampling of films that I want to see based solely on their titles.

On the heels of Tom Cruise’s announcement of a forthcoming Top Gun sequel , MarketWatch published an article this weekend titled ‘Hollywood is running out of hit ’80s movies to reboot.’ A sequel to the Tony Scott-helmed 1987 film is just the latest in a long line of film properties from the 1980s that have been updated for “modern” audiences like RoboCop , Friday the 13th , and Ghostbusters to varying degrees of success.

As Randy so eloquently put it in Scream 2 , sequels by their very definition are inferior works. Often times they are derivative and lack any imagination that made their predecessors so powerful. But most sequels aren’t bad per se, just worthless. These sequels though are bad enough to almost make you angry at the series for spawning such dreck.

While most films deal with real, physical threats from other people or nature, some are brave, or perhaps nonsensical enough, to focus on objects that only exist to be an extension of the human experience.

While much derided, sequels can serve a purpose, not just` to the financial end of Hollywood, but also to the creative side. As a member of the audience, there is a comfort in watching a new movie with foreknowledge of its characters or its basic plot structure, especially if the preceding movie is one that you enjoyed. But at some point, every franchise needs to be put out to pasture to spend the rest of its days playing golf and listening to Paul Harvey.

Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star I’ve determined that Adam Sandler through his Happy Madison shingle is trying to make everyone hate him. I cannot fathom any other explanation for his recent output (see Jack & Jill below). I needn’t really say much because the crap speaks for itself. Even the trailer announcer sounds bored. Watch for it to hopefully tank this weekend, September 9. Abduction “Whatdya say we remake those Bourne movies with that kid from those, eh … Twilight movies? Yeah! No, not Robert Patterson (sic)! The other hunky one. Yeah. We just need to get a big director like Spike Lee! Oh, he’s not available. What about John Singleton? Yeah, that’s the stuff. And, uh, we’ll pack it with good actors like Alfred Molina and Sigourney Weaver! Big blockbusta on our hands!” – random movie exec. I’ll pass on this September 23. Real Steel Pop quiz, Hollywood hot shot! What do you get when you combine the Fighter/Rocky/any other boxing movie with Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots? U...

Well, fall is officially upon us. At least according to the calender as the weather here apparently has not gotten that memo. Currently, we are a mere seven days away from the tenth month of the year, one which is most commonly associated with fall foliage, chilly nights, and of course Halloween. But there is a great deal upcoming in the next few weeks other than Breast Cancer Awareness Month and my favorite Leif Erikson Day that will make this next month one to remember. 9. The Walking Dead Okay, so this technically isn’t relevant on a site dedicated solely to movies but that’s okay. Because this upcoming AMC television series looks more and more badass with every trailer, clip, and image that is released. Based on an immensely popular graphic novel series which I religiously flip through while in Barnes and Noble, this will be a weekly series that takes place after some kind of zombie apocalypse renders the majority of people mindless flesh freaks (did you like that?). If yo...

If it seems that Hollywood is all about the easy dollar these days with remakes, adaptations, and sequels to existing properties, you would be correct. But let us remember a time, back in the day if you will, that movies could be movies without launching franchises. Here are several pretty big movies that may (or may not) have missed their shot at spawning offspring. 9. Twister The inclusion of this film may be premature, but it is hard to believe that 1996′s $240 million blockbuster did not spawn a sequel. Maybe a sequel could shift the focus to Alan Ruck and Philip Seymour Hoffman in a small town where tornadoes are targeting a nuclear power plant. Oh wait. Zack Morris already did that movie. 8. Independence Day This is another one with recent rumbles of a sequel but who knows when we might see more of Bill Pullman playing President Awesome or Will Smith being … every other action star Will Smith has ever played. Now, I get that this is not a high-caliber movie but who did not ...

Now, I get that this is a really broad generalization encompassing over a hundred different actors but the Nightmare on Elm Street series seems to have been a showstopper for many an actor. All one has to do is peruse through the IMDb pages of the various films in the series to see several who have stopped working, taken extended hiatuses, or have been relegated to brief TV-show appearances or DTV movies. While this phenemonon is also apparent in other long-running slasher series as well, for now we are talking Freddy. So let’s dig in. Lin Shaye: Random Teacher (Original) Being the baby sister of the studio head can’t hurt but Lin Shaye has managed to carve out a pretty decent resume. She was in There’s Something about Mary, Snakes on a Plane, both Dumb and Dumber movies, and Boat Trip? Okay, I didn’t say these movies were good but at least a good chunk of her appearances make a (albeit probably brief) appearance in theaters says something. Breckin Meyer: Spencer (Freddy’s Dead) ...

I love DVDs. Right after high school, I was buying at least a half dozen a week if not more. Yet there are several things that just pluck my nerves. This list is not in any particular order and certainly not inclusive. I am quite sure there could be a revisit to this topic eventually. 9. “Large Screen” Releases Essentially, these are films originally in a larger aspect ration, usually 2.40:1, that are cropped during a certain group of scenes. Not only do I despise not watching movies in their original ratios, the way this was handled for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was quite poor, and I’m not only referring to the movie itself. The jump back and forth between scenes (and even different shots within the same scene) is quite jarring. I know a normal movie-goer might not notice but it is rather annoying regardless. 8. Delayed Releases Now that Netflix and Redbox have caved to several studios’ demands to withhold new releases for almost a month after they hit DVD, the only wa...

In the real world, guns are dangerous, deadly devices that should always be handled with care and respect. In movies, however, guns are awesome! Even more awesome are the futuristic guns that only exist in frantic, action-packed movie fire fights. Here are my top 9 favorite fictional fire-arms. 9. Blamethrower ( Mystery Men ) The only non-lethal gun on the list, this bazooka-esque heavy weapon, designed and built by Doc Heller, fires an invisible beam that causes groups of enemies to become very angry with one another, rendering them combat-ineffective. 8. M41a Pulse Rifle ( Aliens ) Arguably the most versatile weapon in the space marine arsenal, this gun combines the automatic fire of the M1A1 Thompson with an under-slung pump-action SPAS12 shotgun, loaded in the film with small grenades. 7. Samaritan ( Hellboy ) A big demon that hunts other big demons needs an edge, and Hellboy's massive revolver fits the bill. Not only is the gun itself made from mystical materi...