Just Die Already! Top Franchises That Need to Retire

While much derided, sequels can serve a purpose, not just` to the financial end of Hollywood, but also to the creative side. As a member of the audience, there is a comfort in watching a new movie with foreknowledge of its characters or its basic plot structure, especially if the preceding movie is one that you enjoyed. But at some point, every franchise needs to be put out to pasture to spend the rest of its days playing golf and listening to Paul Harvey.



In honor of the inexplicable release of the sixth Fast & Furious film (which seems to have some creative juices left, even if I have not partaken recently), let’s look at some other franchises that aren’t as lucky.

9) A Nightmare on Elm Street

Even with some modest success at the box office, the latest Nightmare film was pretty awful and offensive to fans of … well, anything good. Given that there has been no activity on continuing the bastardized reboot, Platinum Dunes may have already taken the hint.

8) Underworld

In spite of Len Wiseman’s questionable directing capabilties, he has been given more opportunity to interact with more franchises than deserved. The fact that the most common response to his films is “meh” should be indicative of their intrinsic worth.

7) Scream

Dimension Films seemed dead set to continue the extended suffering of the Scream films’ three leads in spite of declining revenues and fluctuating quality. With talks stalled, the shift has been moved toward a weekly series, which sounds horrible, even were it not airing on MTV.

6) Men in Black

Against the desires of myself from fifteen years ago, I did not care for the original Men in Black upon a recent rewatch. I don’t remember a single thing from the second and Tommy Lee Jones looks dead in the third. Pack it up and move on, Big Willie.

5) Texas Chainsaw Massacre

It seems impossible to make a TCM film that will please our resident #pbf, including the latest 3D installment. Just let Leatherface Hewitt/Sawyer/Snarklefish be.

4) Paranormal Activity

The law of diminishing returns has mostly stuck with this series as the unexpectedly good first film has been quickly copied and ripped off, by its own successors as well as others. Unless they relocate the ghosts and teach them new tricks, this series is dead to me.

3) Die Hard

The original Die Hard is flippin’ awesome as well as its second sequel, Die Hard with a Vengeance. But as Bruce Willis is pushing 95-years-old and appears to be losing talent along with hair, the horrid reviews of A Good Day to Die Hard should show that John McClane, as well as the audience, has had enough.

2) Ghostbusters

Someone should really tell Dan Aykroyd it’s not going to happen. It’s starting to get embarrassing.

1) Twilight

Oh, wait! It’s finished! Great job, Hollywood!