Holy shit! Did you see what happened at the end of Jason Goes to Hell (if you managed to sit through the whole thing)?! Freddy Kruger’s arm came out of the ground and took Jason’s mask to…hell? Wait, is Freddy in hell? I guess that makes sense. I mean he certainly would not be in heaven. But how does Freddy know about Jason? Is there news in dreamworld or hell? Did one of his victims get wind of the Crystal Lake murders and dream about it? How am I expected to keep track of all of this?! At least Jason X will answer these questions. Oh, wait. No it won’t. See, Freddy pulled Jason in to development hell. Somehow he managed to escape long enough to travel in to the future and appear in Jason X.
But what happened last episode? Well, Jason killed his half sister Diana. He tried his damnedest to posses his niece Jessica so he could be reborn, but could not. Instead, his heart, morphed in to some weird baby looking creature crawled in to dead Diana’s vagina. Reborn! Then he was quickly killed by Jessica who stabbed him with a mystical dagger supplied by a bounty hunter who somehow knows all about Jason yet failed to show up in 8 previous films. All the souls of the dead people he killed fly up to the sky and Jason is pulled to hell. At the very end, Freddy Kruger’s clawed arm grabs his hockey mask, and a Freddy cackle is heard as it disappears (presumably to hell). Did they become friends? Enemies? Well I assume all was hunky dory for Jason, since there is a Jason X, which takes place hundreds of years after. Kind of a spoiler for Freddy vs. Jason, huh?
Have I used the word “fuckery” in this series of reviews yet? I can honestly say that this is perhaps the dumbest movie I have ever seen. And I have seen Flesh Freaks. I formally announce my apology to A New Beginning for claiming it is the worst film in this franchise. It clearly is not.
It is now 2008. Jason is alive, and being held at the Crystal Lake Research Facility. Right, because there is sooooo much to research there besides Jason. A Dr. Wimmer (David Cronenberg, wtf?) wants to move him to the Scranton facility (again, wtf? how much is there to research at this camp?) much to the dismay of Rowan. Wimmer wants to study Jason’s ability to regenerate (well that stupidly answers some questions), while Rowan just wants to put Jason in a cryogenic suspension. Jason somehow breaks free of his restraints, lays waste to the place, but Rowan avoids his clutches. She manages to get him into a cryogenic chamber, bit he stabs her through the door (nice machete) and they both get frozen. Then, it is the year 2455. Some students on a field trip to Earth (which is no longer inhabitable, but don’t worry, there is an Earth II) visit the research facility. They find Jason and Rowan, but (of course) no one has any clue who Jason is. They are just fascinated by his hockey mask, what with hockey being outlawed in 2044. They take the bodies to their spaceship (typing that made me puke) to examine. They are able to reanimate Rowan, but not Jason. Professor Lowe, who apparently owes someone some space money, realizes that he has a valuable commodity; Jason Voorhees. Therefore, once Jason comes back to life, Lowe does not want him dead. A manhunt then ensues for Jason. Then death, death, death.
I don’t think I have enough cleverness in me to adequately make fun of this film. It is just piss poor. There is nothing Friday the Thirteenth about it, it is poorly acted, the special effects suck. There is nothing worthwhile in the film, possibly excluding my favorite kill.
Part of the reason why I like this franchise is because of the story. Indeed, the Jason story is quite interesting and even the ideas for most of the sequels are, despite the quality of their execution. But Jason X just fucking blows. The story is not further improved by this chapter in any way, in fact it is quite insulted. There is just no reason for this film to exist. And Cunningham should have billed himself as Smithee.
Favorite kill: Same as everyone else’s; Jason puts Adrienne’s head in liquid nitrogen (hey how did he know that’s what that was?) thus freezing it, and smashes it.
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