Look, I’m not ashamed to admit that I spent deflated U.S. currency to see this big-budget teenage soap opera in theaters. Well, no, I am a bit ashamed. But that won’t deter me from finishing up the series that has pained my sensibilities for years now. Bella and Jacob are all grown-up, Edward is technically still a creepy old man, and no one ever seemed to ponder whether or not a vampire can knock-up an awkward teenage girl. Now, the world knows the truth as Breaking Dawn: Part I attempts to lay the old vampire-human sex myth to rest once and for all and so the women in the house can get their fix for pale vamp-y boy or ripped, shirtless wolf-y boy.
So, it appears that ‘Team Jacob’ is not going to be able to pull off a stunning upset in the bottom of the ninth as Bella (Kristen Stewart) is uterus-deep in wedding planning and other such shenanigans for her pending nuptials to Edward (Robert Pattinson). Yes, kids, let this be a lesson to you courtesy of Stephanie Meyer: follow, stalk, and mostly be a jackass to a girl but as long as you have pale skin and dreamy hair, you’re a shoe-in. The wedding seems to act as a manner of reintroducing old friends (poor Anna Kendrick!) and introducting new superfluous-for-now plot points (Maggie Grace looking quite creepy!) but mostly to affirm that Edward is dreamy, and perfect, and has great hair, and … anyways. They tie the knot, have a few awkward/embarrassing moments like any family occasion, and set off on their honeymoon to some random island with a beautiful house that would be toothpicks in a tsunami. ::Spoiler:: No such tsunami happens while Edward and Bella are vacationing there. ::snaps fingers::
After a hilariously over-the-top sex scene their first night (I hear the book is as bad), Bella is bruised and battered as Edward is either really good in the sack or really bad at containing his temper. There are shelters for you, Bella. They spend the next eternity in movie time sitting around, swimming, playing chess, and … bam! Bella’s pregnant! To Forks they return where no one has any idea of how that could happen or what to do next but Bella insists on keeping the baby even though it is breaking bones, feeding off her internal organs or something, and apparently applying quite effective makeup to show the emaciated girl. Jacob (Taylor Lautner) learns of about her “condition” to which the rest of the wolve-y clan aren’t keen about. Jacob breaks from the pack to protect Bella from the hostile shape-shifters while Bella continues to succumb to the demon-ish baby thing inside of her. If you’ve read the books, you know the rest. If not, the rest is actually kind of cool.
Perhaps it’s because I just watched the horrid New Moon, or maybe it’s Opposite Day, or it’s possible that I’m just clinically insane but I actually kind of dug BD:P1. Most of it at least. From the male perspective, the most painful part is the first half or so. I understand that after three mostly unbearable films with the will-she-or-won’t-she affair between Bella and Edward, there needed to be some celebratory event. But, just like most family gatherings I attend, the wedding and its aftermath goes on far too long with little to occupy yourself other than copious amounts of alcohol. When Edward and Bella (why don’t they have a cool compound name like Bedward by now?) head off to the secluded island, the story drags like a tantrum-prone four-year-old in the checkout line but most everyone else wanted to see them get it on. For a movie that clocks in at just under two hours, I can think of a good fifteen to twenty minutes that should have been trimmed from this section.
When Bedward return after learning of the growing spawn, the otherwise overqualified director Bill Condon takes the movie into a bunch of wacky, yet ultimately interesting directions. I can’t really tell if there was a strong anti-abortion agenda present in the film as almost everyone is urging Bella to get “that thing” out of her or if Bella was just being her typical, insipid self and refusing to listen to the voice of reason that the child is killing her, inside and out. Stewart starts off the film much more attractive than I’ve previously found her before but ends looking like a poor woman struck down with some incredibly debilitating illness courtesy of some quite good makeup and CGI. And shockingly, Stewart is mostly up to the task excepting the typical stutter and awkwardness that her character is built upon. Honestly though, the majority of the other characters come off as bossy, assy, or just plain hateful which makes her almost seem like the sane one.
As Tabitha touched on in her review, there was a great deal of emotional impact that could have been harvested from the story as Bella is dying as a child/whatever is growing but most of that seemed to be jettisoned for Jacob scowling, Edward scowling, or random and insultingly-stupid wolf growl to human voice dubbing. Even the experience that Bella goes through is mostly extrapolated from everyone else’s reactions to her, which I guess is in keeping with the spirit of the rest of the series since she has very little defining character traits of her own. Bella does step out of her drab shell though to make things awkward as she remarks to Jacob “it feels complete when you’re here” in front of her new family and … HER NEW HUSBAND. I thought we were past this by now.
This series has chronically suffered from not-good acting but things were a bit better this time around. Pattinson has become better each film through heavy makeup, Stewart isn’t quite as irritating as the first couple films, and it even features more Billy Burke and Sara Clark! Yay for that! The rest of the Cullen clan are merely bystanders in their own house but there was nothing too incredibly off-putting here. Except Lautner. I thought the kid was okay before but maybe that was just when he had hair and no six-pack abdomen. He’s probably too focused on whatever crap movie he’s starring in at this point anyway.
I’ve already written way too much about this movie than I intended but it is pretty damn entertaining once we get past the lovey-dovey aspect of the story. Even without an external threat like the last film, Breaking Dawn: Part I is thus far the best in the series. Don’t get me wrong. It’s no American Beauty or Halloween, but something that I can possibly see myself watching (and fast-fowarding through) at home.
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