Random Movie: Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)

We here at Movie Scum love the Jesusflix. Most of the time, it is truly a blessing. Recently however, I found myself at odds with it upon seeing Speed 2: Cruise Control would be available for instant viewing. Under normal circumstances, I would be able to resist the temptation to watch it as that would mean putting forth effort to either buy or rent it. But, when I saw it was on the Jesusflix, I caved like a trampoline under a fat kid.

I have previously seen this movie a whopping one time in theaters upon its release. After it hit video later that year, I bought a VHS of it from Kmart. It was defective. That was likely divine intervention. Yet, I have always wondered: is it really that bad? Was I just a naive kid at the time like the rest of the IMDb readers who cumulatively rate this movie with a 3.4? Would I be able to wring some enjoyment out of watching it again? The answers to those questions are yes, no, and … well, sort of.

Taking my least favorite method of sequelism, Speed 2 photocopies the same plot from the first film and tweaks it ever so slightly to take place on an out-of-control cruise ship rather than the so 1994 out-of-control bus. The only meaningful returning member from the first, Annie, is dating an L.A.P.D. cop (but not Keanu Reeves!) and attempting to enjoy a relaxing vacation on a cruise liner filled with the fat people, deaf kids, and UB40. Add in a tremendously over-the-top villain with some half-cocked revenge/heist plan and you’ve got … well, a shitty movie.

I doubt I will be able to accurately convey my thoughts on this movie in the standard review format. Let me then requisition PBF’s list of gripes made famous by the G.I. Joe and Final Chapter reviews, but this time as the movie unfolds!

• Alex’s (Jason Patric) job is apparently to be involved in clichéd action movie chases.
• When did Annie (Sandra Bullock) get ditzy, annoying, and emotional? I guess we can blame Jack for that.
• Keanu Reeves opted not to come back. Good for him. He gets a nice send-off from the obviously jilted filmmakers.
• Jan de Bont has apparently embraced the shaky-cam since his last film. That last film was Twister. I can’t decide which is worse.
• Tim Conway might be here for comedic relief, but it’s not working. I blame Annie for that.
• Joe Morton (in a cameo role) has apparently decided to really suck at acting after the first.
• Aw, thanks Random Cop for blowing Alex’s secret career. Annie disapproves.
• You know what Speed was surely not missing? Stupid, emotional scenes with Annie complaining.
• They aren’t newlyweds Dante, you terrible, cardboard cut-out of a character!
• Geiger surely is upset about his golf clubs. The most subdued acting by Willem Dafoe in this movie.
• Annie is really, truly excited about drugs in the air conditioning or something. I’m not paying attention, I admit.
• Alex is planning to propose to Annie. Poor man, if I could teleport back in time and into fictional movies, I’d save you.
• Ah, the upbeat Jamaican band to bring everyone together. Do they get sucked into the propeller soon?
• Geiger getting ready for the assault with his eels and explosive golf clubs. If not for the fact that he is batshit crazy, Geiger would be a non-entity.
• Alex knows sign language. How appropriate since there is a deaf girl on board! Action Movie Cliche #11: Young Infirm Child in Danger.
• This analogy of dining-out to marriage is drawn out uncomfortably long.
• Did Geiger just use the passcode of 123456 to get into the engine room? Stupid fucking movie.
• Next day, more emotionally wrought scenes with Annie. Now, she’s complaining about a badge number.
• Score one cheesy line for Dafoe with “Let’s not split hairs.” How is that applicable unless you are beating someone with a rabbit?
• The parents of the deaf girl insult her and let her run off. Such loving caregivers.
• And just as he’s about to propose, the engine blows up. Damn inconvenient plot point.
• This girl has been in the elevator for about ten minutes. Is this is a skyscraper cruise ship?
• It is nice that Geiger gives the captain fifteen minutes to evacuate the ship. Of course, we know some group of jackholes will mess that up.
• A fat guy screaming “Let Me In There!” to a closed door is, surprisingly, not effective.
• Of course Alex goes off to investigate. And Annie looks annoyed. She’s super supportive!
• And now action hero Alex goes to save the people he endangered in the first place. What a dream boat!
• Dante is the most annoying damsel-in-distress of our times.
• Now Geiger is stealing thousands of dollars worth of jewelry that just happened to be on the ship. A heist? So overdone.
• Temuera Morrison as the captain is actually quite good. His performance does not make me want to vomit, at least.
• They’ve found out the bad guy is Geiger. Now to go accost him with skeet guns and have a nice talk.
• Drew (the deaf girl) has some kickin’ shoes. And apparently supergirl strength to be able to effortlessly open an elevator door without power.
• I sure hope all cruise ships randomly carry around chainsaws to … get rid of any trees blocking the way?
• Alex finds a way to slow the ship down. Drew is in harm’s way by doing so. It isn’t revisited after she’s safe.
• “Relationships based on extreme circumstances never work.” It’s a funny recollection of the first. Even funnier since that was not the original line.
• Stand-off between Alex and Geiger, one holding a guy, the other holding a supermarket scanner. This is riveting.
• Geiger has the worst motive ever: copper poisoning after working on computers. Umm … I think we’d all be dead if that were true.
• Dafoe sounds like a loon and looks like a horse when laughing. There you go, Hollywood: the maniacal horse.
• Alex is such a true action hero. Even smoke inhalation doesn’t faze him!
• Way to go, Annie! Throwing your arms up and saying “Oh, man!” is quite conducive to avoiding imminent death.
• When did they throw a wrench in a transmission in the first film? Oh, wait. They didn’t. Stupid movie.
• I think Geiger has spent the better part of this movie running around the bowels of the ship. I say “better part” because it isn’t as insulting as the rest.
• Of course Annie is taken hostage. Because otherwise, the filmmakers would have to find other ways for her to annoy the shit out of the audience.
• Geiger is so mean to Annie! Sure, he’s killed a few people directly and indirectly thus far, but there’s no reason to be such an ass!
• Hey, that’s the same watch that Keanu had in the first! Have I mentioned that this is the only film to make me yearn for Keanu Reeves?
• I’ll give it props and say that the effects in this movie are pretty good, even for today’s standards. The writing on the other hand …
• Like this … the ship is approaching a large, sea-side city at relatively fast speeds. Yet none of the boaters seem to notice until they are mincemeat.
• Dropping the anchor won’t stop the ship. But, let’s do it anyway!
• That boat must have been made of dynamite for the explosion it gave!
• “Seven knots!” Oh great. I forgot about the fucking annoying Scottish navigator who has to announce the speed as it drops.
• What is this town made of? Cardboard and tissue paper?
• “Six knots!”
• The acting in this movie is atrocious. Utterly, mind-numbing, god-awful.
• “Five knots!”
• Damn shop owner! Just because a boat is crashing into your city doesn’t mean I don’t want my pumpernickel bread!
• “Four knots!”
• Damn boat! You missed the little kid!
• “Two knots! Almost stopped!” Wait, what happened to three? I hate inconsistency.
• Oh, it’s a fat guy coming out of 7-11, worried about his car. I bet bad things happen to it.
• “Zero.”
• Ha, I could’ve called it even if I hadn’t seen the movie. At least the dog is okay.
• “We docked! I can’t believe it!” Dante is the most worthless of characters in this most worthless of movies.
• “Zero.” Okay, dude. We get it!
• At least the ship is stopped and the passengers are safe, the movie should be over now, right?
• Fuck, does Annie really have to be rescued? Just let that b-word drown.
• The return of TUNEMAN. Glenn Plumber should’ve stayed on ER.
• Hey, dude. Instead of saying “you’ve got to be kidding me” you could just say, “fuck, no, you’re not having my boat.”
• And, can you tell the balding Mrs. TUNEMAN to shut her trap. It’s annoying. “Look, fireworks!”
• I’m sure a suction cup the size of my thumb can withhold the weight of a man being drug through the water.
• I would’ve liked a Dennis Hopper-esque “MY MONEY!!!” when Annie throws the jewelry out.
• And Geiger flies into the very tanker he tried to crash the cruise ship into. Oh, the ironing!
• Dafoe must have gotten his teeth enlarged for this role.
• How does a plane suspended 30 feet above the deck cause the entire tanker to explode? Oh, wait. I’m still watching Speed 2.
• And now Alex finally gets around to proposing. Hasn’t the entire film dissuaded him from wanting to be around Annie?
• Oh, thank god! It’s over!
• Damn! Another driving test! Oh, a humorous callback to the beginning of the film and to the original. Yeah. It’s really over now.

So, in summary: Speed 2 sucks ass. It’s not to the level that would warrant a crap category since it is fairly entertaining. Although, that entertainment is based on admiring the shitty script, horrible acting, and waste of the hundreds of millions this movie probably cost.