Do you want to know why Adam Sandler saw fit to bring the world Grown Ups? I wish I knew for sure but I have an idea. Sandler, coming off of a career high, eh … fifteen years ago, needed a major hit to elevate his Hollywood status. In the midst of co-writing and producing this farce of a motion picture, he saw so many of his former SNL pals out of work so he shoved them into the script but paying close attention to strip out any and all elements of humor from the otherwise moderately talented cast. Do you want to know why I actually watched this piece of shit? So do I.
Honestly, I have never seen a movie so consistently unfunny and inept as Grown Ups. Well, not since seeing Stan Helsing that is. At least Helsing had the daintiest of plots. There is no plot here, merely an excuse for Sandler, Kevin James, Rob Schneider, David Spade, and Chris Rock to get together, tell unfunny jokes, and laugh at each other. Watching the film, you can tell that the cast members had fun while making the movie. Why is it then that absolutely none of that came through on screen?
I really can’t fathom how hard it is to screw up a comedic movie this bad but somewhat competent director Dennis Dugan managed to do just that. Granted, I’m not a big fan of anyone in this movie but these characters are possibly the most offensively unfunny onscreen portrayals I’ve seen before. I might be a bit biased. But for a movie that runs in excess of an hour and a half, it produced not a single laugh, snicker, or chortle from me throughout its runtime. I have another theory for why this is. I imagine that a week before the release date, the final (and funnier) cut was on its way for distribution when a freak train derailment, tornado, or other act of God destroyed the only copy they had. Having to meet a deadline, the producers pieced together all of the detritus left on the cutting room floor to assemble the movie we have now. That is the only logical explanation I can come up with.
Far too much of the possible humor in the movie is ruined by the actors constantly laughing at each other. It’s like watching a group of improv actors bust into hysterics at something that wasn’t really that funny and unable to continue. This happens throughout the film. Also equally annoying is the reliance on a single joke and repeatedly bashing it on screen until it becomes pathetic. James’ wife, played by Maria Bello, is breastfeeding … wait for it … a 48 month old. That means he’s four! And way too old to still be breastfeeding! And Rob Schneider, a pretty horrific looking man here, has two incredibly attractive daughters who both make entrances to that damn Pina Colada song!
Sandler is basically playing himself and his kids are bratty and he’s married to the incredibly hot Salma Hayek! And he has a nanny and he doesn’t want anyone to know! Rock is normally a tough-talking wise-ass. Now he’s a stay-at-home, girl-scout-leading, Rachel-Ray-watching drama queen. James is married to Maria Bello even though he’s fat and unemployed! Schneider and Spade are just fucking annoying! The hysterics! And it isn’t even as though these characters are perpetually stuck in childhood like the title might suggest. They aren’t immature, they are just really fucking stupid.
I feel like I’m not really giving much detail to why this movie sucks so bad but trust me, this is a good thing. This is a film that plays things safe, even if safe condemns it to being really awful. All the characters act in exactly the way you would think them to from seeing the poster art. All of the lame jokes can be seen coming a mile away. There is a heartfelt moment at the end when everyone confesses some dark secret to their friends (it really is a nanny, shh!) followed by a triumphant basketball game to teach all of the characters a lesson in life.
Even more irritating though is the fact that this has a somewhat decent rating on IMDb and even Roger Ebert gave it faint praise in his review. Granted, this is the man that also gave Fight Club two stars but I’d be willing to forgive that oversight more than this. All told, I cannot in good conscience recommend Grown Ups to pregnant mothers, children under the age of 10, or anyone with even a modicum of humor in their body.
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