Movie Scum

Michael Bay’s production company Platinum Dunes has not been the recipient of much praise from the horror community and largely for good reason. Their last two outings took Jason and Freddy, iconic members of the decades-old slasher movement and modernized them in laughable and pointless rehashes. But, before raping 80s horror fans of their childhood and after churning out two uneven Chainsaw Massacre movies (according to PBF that is), Bay and co. turned their sights on the 1986 “classic” The Hitcher with Rutger Hauer. The original was not necessarily a bad movie to my hazy recollection but it certainly did not have the prestige or fan base as some of PD’s other endeavors. In fact, I don’t recall much outcry when this was announced comparatively to their other projects. The story is largely the same in both versions, re-emphasizing the production company’s reliance on remaking instead of reimagining. Here, young couple Jim and Grace are traveling through the southwest to meet up ...

If there was any series I felt would have gotten better with age, it was Hatchet. Admittedly, the first took a few viewings to really get into but Adam Green‘s almost perfect balance of comedy, horror, and gore left me greatly anticipating his follow-up to the Victor Crowley saga. Alas, I guess I will be anticipating the just announced Hatchet III even more. Picking up right where the first left off, Marybeth is battling Crowley when she manages to escape and head back to Reverend Zombie’s place where she learns of her family’s involvement in Crowley’s misfortune. Marybeth is determined to go back to the swamp to retrieve the remains of her family and exact revenge on ol’ Hatchetface. By the force of blackmail, Zombie agrees to accompany her with a gaggle of heavily armed rednecks. The story is cringe-inducingly forced but all we want to see is more blood, guts, dismemberments, and other acts of violence. In that manner at least, Hatchet II does not disappoint. The biggest proble...

It would be an understatement to say that Puck does not like spiders. Having a traumatic experience where a probably harmless spider dropped onto my pillow at the tender age of six or so and watching Arachnophobia shortly thereafter, I was terribly afraid of these eight-legged demons sent straight from the depths of hell. Fortunately, old age has calmed my general distaste for these abominations but sadly watching Eight Legged Freaks has resurrected this fear. It is funny how horror is such a subjective term. On one hand, the thought of a random serial killer lurching out at you in an abandoned mansion or in the middle of the woods is silly because most serial killers are more methodical than that and not to mention I will never be in an abandoned mansion or anywhere outdoors. Spiders on the other hand are real and demonic and as such, this was one of the more horrific movies I have seen in a while. But then again, I am a wuss. After Piranha 3D opened and relatively underperfo...

Written by: PBF Broken Lizard's first film, Puddle Cruiser is just not very good. It isn't funny and less silly than the later films. It's quite sloppily put together, the acting is deplorable and it's very uninteresting. Some of the conversations last way too long and a lot of the jokes are quite long winded and just unfunny. You can see the beginning of the troupe's rapport with each other start to form, but it isn't strong enough yet to pull the film off.

Written by: PBF I must hand it to writer/director Chad Ferrin. I was convinced that I would hate Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! But, I did not. I actually liked it. Mindy (Charlotte Marie) is a hard working single mother to Nicholas (Ricardo Gray), who is a sixteen year old boy that is stricken with “Mental Retardation Cerebral Palsy.” Mindy’s boyfriend, Remington (Timothy Muskatell) is a bit of a douche bag with a fondness for hookers and cocaine. He also dislikes Nicholas, and the feeling is requited. Easter is Nicholas’s favorite holiday, as that is when his father died. When he is given a bunny by a homeless fella, Nicholas names it Easter Bunny, and finds solace in telling him his feelings about Remington. On Easter morning, Mindy is called to work a double shift and must leave her son in the care of Remington who promises that the two of them will be best friends by the time she gets home. This however, is not the case. Remington invites a friend of his to come over to “play” wi...

After the original was released and grossed roughly 7000x its budget at the ticket counters alone, it didn’t take long for a sequel to be greenlit. Now with the Saw series allegedly over, Paramount has positioned Paranormal Activity to take the crown for late October horror franchises that are likely to get beaten into the ground. It is pretty safe to say that if you liked the first PA, you will probably like this one too. But that is mostly because it is the same exact movie as the first with different choices in how it is shot and more characters. And a dog. And a monster robot pool cleaner. While I didn’t dislike Paranormal Activity 2 , I cannot really see where it can go from here for the already planned part three or beyond. The first worked well because it was different, not so much in plot or execution, but from what we were seeing at the time. The gimmick though is gone and it is almost as if the producers decided to remake the first movie to throw the audience off. After ...

PBF again was quick to point out that Battle: Los Angeles was getting quite horrendous reviews. After Drive Angry, I see a trend emerging. The funniest review I have read thus far was written by Roger Ebert who basically advocated breaking all ties with someone taking you to this movie. It strives to be what Digger referred to as a “big, dumb action movie.” There is no characterization, no good performances, and nothing monumental or important is attempted. Even though it is offensively derivative, Battle: LA is a quintessential big, dumb action movie. Naturally then, I was entertained. Let’s get this out of the way: do you remember Independence Day? How about Starship Troopers? Aliens? War of the Worlds? Any other battling against aliens movie? Then you know exactly what is going to happen. And by exactly, I mean you can see it coming like a bright red Mini in a vampire movie. Aaron Eckhart is Staff Sergeant Nantz, a grizzled Marine who has done his twenty years and has signed his...

Written by: PBF Ryan Reynolds certainly has come a long way since the Nickelodeon teen drama Fifteen. Buried takes place entirely in a large wooden coffin buried a few feet underground in Iraq. Paul Conroy (Reynolds) is a truck driver whose convoy was attacked while working there. Children were throwing rocks at his truck, an IED blew up one of the other trucks, and the next thing he recalls is waking up in this box.  Also in the box is a Zippo, a BlackBerry (not his), a glowstick, a candle, a flashlight, a note written in another language, a knife, a pen and Paul’s anxiety medication. Damn Paul’s luck suffering from anxiety having been buried in a coffin alive. This film could have gone horribly awry, what with the numerous possible plot holes, one of which being him buried with so many items that would be useful to him. Well, I assure you, he is in this box for a reason and each item serves a specific function essential to that reason. One of the other more obvious c...

When I was talking with PBF saying that I wanted to see Drive Angry in theaters, he responded: “Why would you want to see that? I’ve heard it’s awful.” I would like to evoke his own defense in the Piranha review and say, well, yeah. That is kind of the point. Before the interviews and commercials started, I knew approximately two things about Drive Angry. The first is that it is written and directed by the same team who made the new My Bloody Valentine, which came out well in advance of the spate of 3D crap floating around and was a pretty fun flick. Second, Nicolas Cage was in it. And this is ridiculously over-the-top Cage from such head-scratchingly good blockbusters as Con Air or Face/Off. Cage can be a downright boring actor when he is playing things straight. When he is not, well, I defer now to The Rock or any of the aforementioned movies for sheer entertainment value. No one should be expecting grand cinema when walking into see Drive Angry, which the poster and commercial...

Written by: PBF Ah, the restaurant industry. Definitely an excellent muse for a movie script. Rob McKittrick was working in a restaurant while he wrote Waiting… The result is an alarmingly accurate depiction of what it is like to work in the food service industry, with some exaggeration to try to appeal to those have never been gainfully employed in this vocation. Honestly there really is not much of a plot. The film mostly takes place during one day at work at Shenaniganz, a casual dining restaurant. It’s like any other restaurant; filled with guests who can’t order steaks at proper delicious eating temperature, poor tippers, assholes that complain about everything. The only real continuous storyline involves Dean (Justin Long) who has been a server for 4 years. Much like many servers, he took the job as a temporary gig, while taking classes at community college, but somehow ends up there longer than planned. When his mother tells him of his former classmate Chet, who now has ...

Written by: PBF Road Games bares a strong resemblance  to Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window, only this one is on the road. This makes sense as the film’s writer/director Richard Franklin was a Hitchcock fan, and even directed Psycho II. While not nearly as good as Rear Window, at least it was better than the “update” Disturbia that was vomited onto movie screens years later. Patrick Quid (Stacey Keach) drives a truck (“Just because I drive a truck, doesn’t mean I’m a truck driver”) and wants nothing more than to check into a motel and get some rest. He receives a call over the radio that he is needed to make an emergency delivery of meat to Perth. He reluctantly agrees when offered double time. At a gas station he notices a female hitchhiker the he passed on the road, who was picked up by a man driving a green van. They apparently take the last room at the motel while Quid was talking on his radio and he is forced to sleep in the truck with his dingo. In the morning, Quid no...

The (new!) Karate Kid stars Jackie Chan teaching Jaden Smith what is arguably not karate. Smith takes over for Ralph Macchio in the sunny vistas of China instead of SoCal with almost everything from the original present including the cute girlfriend, the mean thugs, and a slightly aloof teacher. It is a bit troublesome to see young boys punching and kicking like they are in Fight Club but this is a well-done movie with decent performances and a feel-good ending. It would have been better though with something other than the same feel-good ending from over twenty years ago.

Do you want to know why Adam Sandler saw fit to bring the world Grown Ups? I wish I knew for sure but I have an idea. Sandler, coming off of a career high, eh … fifteen years ago, needed a major hit to elevate his Hollywood status. In the midst of co-writing and producing this farce of a motion picture, he saw so many of his former SNL pals out of work so he shoved them into the script but paying close attention to strip out any and all elements of humor from the otherwise moderately talented cast. Do you want to know why I actually watched this piece of shit? So do I. Honestly, I have never seen a movie so consistently unfunny and inept as Grown Ups. Well, not since seeing Stan Helsing that is. At least Helsing had the daintiest of plots. There is no plot here, merely an excuse for Sandler, Kevin James, Rob Schneider, David Spade, and Chris Rock to get together, tell unfunny jokes, and laugh at each other. Watching the film, you can tell that the cast members had fun while maki...

Also contained within is a quasi-review of Quarantine . For all intents and purposes, I have seen [ REC ] before by way of its almost shot-for-shot and beat-by-beat remake Quarantine which was in production before [REC] was even released. Apparently, the producers used a shooting script for the basis of Quarantine so many of the scenes, reveals, and mayhem all run in conjunction if you were to play the two films at the same time. Having not seen the remake of Psycho , I cannot say how this approach worked before but I would imagine that experience was as bizarre and fraught with deja vu as watching the original film to one I had seen before. Even with it being almost two years since seeing the Americanized-remake, many scenes, shots, and even scares were predictable but still some were not. Largely though, this did not hinder my enjoyment of the film one bit. The film carries with a frenetic, cinéma vérité-style in the same vain as The Blair Witch Project , Cloverfield , and its...

Ben Affleck ’s first directing gig turned out pretty well, shocking many critics who had otherwise determined that his fame was fading. When The Town was coming out the question then became “can Affleck do it again or was Gone Baby Gone just a fluke?” Affleck stars as Doug MacRay, the leader of a gang of professional bank robbers in the Boston suburb of Charlestown. Under the charge of Fergie the florist ( Pete Postlethwaite ), MacRay and his team take down banks, armored cars, and anything else with a large sum of money to be had. When friend Jim ( Jeremy Renner ) loses control during a job, beats a man, and takes bank manager Claire ( Rebecca Hall ) hostage, MacRay befriends Claire to see if she knows enough to turn them in. Now having started a relationship with Claire and under constant surveillance and pressure from FBI agent Adam Frawley ( Jon Hamm ), MacRay begins to consider leaving his life of crime behind. The most interesting aspect of most heist movies can also be...