***THIS REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS. NOT FOR CRITTERS 3, BUT FOR FEAST III.***
Have you seen Leonardo DiCaprio’s latest film, Inception? If not, what the hell are you waiting for, but if so, I invite you to check out his first film (if you have not already), Critters 3. Not because it is good, but so you can suffer the same pain I have.
The only thing Critters 3 has to do with the first two films, is that there are Critters, and a bit of back story given by Charlie, who was made Sheriff of Grover’s Bend in Critters 2. This film does not take place in Grover’s Bend, however. Clifford, his son Johnny and teen daughter Annie are travelling home when they get a flat tire and pull into a rest stop. Johnny is chasing his Frisbee when he runs in to an older kid named Josh (DiCaprio). While in the woods, Charlie jumps out and gives the aforementioned back story to remind us all that we are in a Critters sequel. He in fact, is hunting the remaining Critters. As formula dictates, the kids think he is a loon and dismiss his story as insane rambling. As they are leaving the rest stop, we get the impression that Josh’s step dad is an ass, and we see that there are Krite eggs under Clifford’s truck. As movie fate would have it, Clifford and his kids live in a run down apartment, and the landlord is Josh’s step father. So guess what? Krites invade the apartment complex and Annie and Josh become fast friends. Also, some other unfunny, not scary, boring crap with other people happens.
There are a lot of similarities between this and Feast III. Both movies have characters that have nothing to do with the plot and do not push story along. Critters 3 introduces us to Marsha. She has a few lines, helps a little bit, but ultimately gets hung upside down out the window for most of her screen time. Both films draw attention to creatures’ asses. In Feast III we watch a demon crap out the head of Honey Pie. In Critters 3, the Crites eat a bunch of chili and the obligatory flatulence commences. Both films are useless pieces of shit. I wonder if the Feast series used the Critters series as an example to follow. There really isn’t anything good about this installment. It is a complete mess, much like a Krite egg after it gets broken. The acting is horrible, the directing sucks. Leo is good, I guess, but everyone else is really bad. It wasn’t funny, and what little elements of horror this franchise began with are all gone. This film was released in 1991, and looking at Leo’s costume and haircut reminded me of a simpler time of surfing and grunge music. And speaking of music, the score was at such a low volume, I didn’t even hear it until near the end of the film. As if to infuriate me further, when the movie was “over,” I was forced in to watching the film halfway through the credits, so that I could watch the set up for the fourth installment. Interestingly enough, the end of Feast III actually mentions a possible fourth film in that series.
Why let the similarities end there? Avoid this at all costs, too.
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