Random Movie: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

This movie is a piece of shit. I am actually angry at it. I am angry that it looked at me in the face, and had the balls to fucking show me the things it showed me. You want to know where I rank this movie in it's genre? In the same bracket as Super Mario Bros. and Street Fighter. Not the animated Street Fighter; the live action one. The one where Guile, an American, is played by a Belgian who can barely speak English.

Here's the skinny on the plot of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: There are warheads that have nanomites in them. Nanomites eat metal (and everything else, but emphasis was placed on the eating of metal). They also can do other things, such as reconstruct faces and push the venom of a cobra right back out of a person's arm. They can also be used in mind control. Anyway, Duke and Ripcord have them, Baroness tries to steal them, G.I. Joe saves Duke and Ripcord and the warheads, Baroness and Storm Shadow, et al successfully steal them. There you go. Cobra has not officially formed as a "unit" at this point, like G.I. Joe has, but all they key players are there.

G.I. Joe storyline aside, this movie is just horrible. Really bad acting. I mean REALLY bad. Dennis Quaid must have smelled like brie after filming his scenes. Some of the action sequences were alright, I guess, but mostly they were a horrible mess, some way too long, and completely implausible. The film reeked of standard cheesey action movie formula, what with the needless "funny" lines, such as when the Baroness just shot a machine gun to clear out an area, forces a woman off an elevator and then says, "Nice shoes." In fact, she gets the award for character with the worst lines. Right after a huge crash, she crawls out and says, "Next time, I drive." There is the obligatory evil villain sharing his plans with the good guy that has been captured but that he will fail to kill. There is also exposition, casually detailed in akwardly placed dialogue. Can't forget the montage of people being trained while a stupid song plays (Bang a Gong by T-Rex). There is a long list of things that are wrong factually and in regard to continuity. Too many to list. In lieu of that, here is a small list of things that I hate about it:

1. Rip Cord makes mention of Kung Fu grip
2. Hawk says, "Knowing is half the battle."
3. Rex says, "This guy is a real American hero."
4. When Baroness and Storm Shadow steal the warheads, Hawk presses an alarm button on his desk. The other Joes are hanging out, chillin', and when it goes off, someone yells, "Cobra has the warheads!" Are you fucking kidding me? They made an alarm specifically for that?
5. Baroness has no accent.
6. There is a flashback for every fucking character. Fortunately most of them knew each other somehow, so they combined multiple charcaters' into one.
7. The casting. Oh my God, the casting.
8. The obvious open door for a sequel, meaning that while I make an hourly wage, there will be rain forests slaughtered to write the paychecks of those involved in another one of these fucking things. I provide more entertainment than this movie.

I don't really understand why this movie is rated PG-13 and not R. There is a lot of on screen killing and language. There is honestly not one good thing about this movie. Skip it.