Movie Scum

Written by: PBF The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is the first of many remakes by Platinum Dunes. While I feel it is better than most of their others, I still question the need of making any sequel, remake or otherwise to the original. In this “chapter,” we are taken to August 18, 1973, two days before the police archive video we watch takes place, complimented with narration by, once again, John Larroquette. 5 young people are travelling to a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert in a van all stoned and having a good time. The driver, Kemper (Eric Balfour), almost hits a girl wandering in the middle of the rural road they are travelling. They pick her up, only to be subjected to her ramblings about a “bad man” and eventually her suicide, via a handgun produced from her crotch. Traumatized they attempt to find local law enforcement in the backwoods that they are travelling in and come across a gas station. The old lady working there says that the sheriff is at the mill but he will be there in 2 hours

Written by: PBF This piece of shit is the most insulting installment in the Chainsaw franchise. Without question. And if you disagree, you are wrong. I really hate Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation. Honestly, the specifics of the plot do not matter. It’s the same basic shit. A group of kids get lost in the backwoods of Texas for whatever reason and they run across random strangers that all end up members of the same murderous cannibalistic family with a different last name, depending on what sequel we’re in. This time the family’s last name is Slaughter. W.E. (mentioned as the only apprehended family member to stand trial in part III’s narration) is in this one, which takes place in 1994, which contradicts ONLY THE ENTIRE PREVIOUS TIMELINE. I fucking swear to God, did no one see how sloppily this franchise was put together? Also, yet again, Leatherface is here, but with a completely different family. Also, once again, there is narration referring to the events of the f

Written by: PBF The most important piece of advice that I can offer you prior to watching Hanger is: do not take it seriously. An appearance by Lloyd Kaufman should suggest that to you, even without my advice. Rose is a pregnant hooker who is often beat mercilessly by her pimp, Leroy. Leroy has told Rose many times that she needs to get rid of her unborn child. Rose no longer wants to be a hooker and wants to have her baby. One of her regular dates, referred to as “The John” no longer wants to pay her for sex so long as she is pregnant. As this means less money for him, Leroy decides to take matters in to his own hands. Using a hanger, he extracts Rose’s child, killing Rose in the process. He then tosses the child in to a dumpster. Flash forward 18 years, and we learn that the child (named Hanger) has been living with a homeless man who found him in the dumpster. On his 18th birthday, “The John” picks up Hanger and takes him to his new home and job. Hanger’s face is usually obscu

Written by: PBF I really am almost at a loss for words after watching Leatherface. I really have no fucking idea what I just watched. The film opens with a narration that refers to the event of the first film. We learn that Sally died in a mental health facility in 1977. One of the Saywers, W.E. Sawyer, was put on trial and given the gas chamber. The jury apparently concluded that Leatherface was another personality of W.E. The narration suggests that this may or may not have been correct, and if not, Leatherface is still at large. Either way, the events of 1973 were just the beginning. We are then planted somewhere between the first 2 films (from what I can gather) and meet Michelle and Ryan. They are travelling from Los Angeles to Florida to deliver the Mercedes they are driving. They stop at a gas station and meet a creepy attendant and a hitchhiker. As Michelle uses the bathroom, Alfredo (the attendant) watched through a hole in the wall. He and Tex (the hitchhiker, played by

Written by: PBF My first impression of this film was that it was like a zombie film made specifically for Cinemax to air at around 3am. There was plenty of (somewhat justified) nudity almost immediately. However, it vanished just a quickly as it had come. FYI: If you are going to make a marginally engaging film, try not to blow your nudity wad all in the first 15 minutes. It leaves nothing much else to pay attention to. Brain Dead, directed by Kevin Tenney, doesn’t really show us anything new in its zombie story. Not that it is trying to. It’s the story of 6 random people (actually, 3 random groups of 2 people) who for one reason or another end up in an empty fishing lodge. We have Bob and Clarence, who are brothers and escaped prisoners. They arrive first, and end up holding the others hostage. Next to arrive are Claudia and Sherry, who were hiking and swimming naked. Last is Reverend Farnsworth and his assistant Amy. The Reverend would like to pork his assistant. What these peopl

Written by: PBF The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 is quite a different film from its predecessor. I hold the original in very high regard for reasons that were absent from this film. That does not make it a bad film, however. Through some narration, we learn that Sally, the only survivor of the previous film was able to tell the story of what happened to her, her brother and friends, but goes catatonic afterward. There was a search conducted but no trace of the Sawyer family (Leatherface, et al) was found. However, there continued to be gruesome chainsaw related killings across the state of Texas for thirteen years. That brings us to the present. Two high school kids are travelling through Texas, drinking and shooting road signs. They call a local radio station that they are listening to and start bothering the DJ, Stretch (Caroline Williams). They play chicken with a truck and run it off the road. Hours later, the kids call Stretch again and while on the phone are stopped by the sam

Written by: PBF You could call Altered States a love story, because that’s what it is, but you would be doing director Ken Russell and writer Paddy Chayefsky a disservice. For the actual love story parts of it are merely the filler in an absurdly religious and cosmic journey that you really aren’t supposed to take seriously. It wouldn’t be the first disservice done to Chayefsky (at least in his opinion) in regard to the film; he had a some kind of dispute with the film’s first director and he later changed his name (to his real first and middle names) on the film due to his disapproval of it. Professor Eddie Jessup (William Hurt) is studying schizophrenia using sensory deprivation tanks. At some point he places himself in the tank under the observation of his colleague, Arthur Rosenberg (Bob Balaban). After having hallucinations in the tank and reliving the death of his father,  he becomes obsessed. Fascinated with religious experiences, he becomes consumed with finding the “first

Writer, Director, Producer Blake Edwards passed away Wednesday at the age of 88. His death was a result of complications from pneumonia. Some of his most notable films were Breakfast at Tiffany’s , The Pink Panther (and it’s many follow ups) and 10 . He was married to Julie Andrews, who appeared in many of his films. She was with him when he passed.

Written by: PBF David Cronenberg has said that The Brood was inspired by the custody battle for his daughter that he went through with his ex-wife. After watching this, my guess is that the process was unpleasant. Frank Carveth’s ( Art Hindle ) wife Nola ( Samantha Eggar ) is under the care of Dr. Hal Raglan ( Oliver Reed ) who practices a questionable form of therapy called Psychoplasmics. Dr. Raglan encourages his patients to “show him” their emotions, which generally will physically manifest somehow. For example, at the beginning of the film we see a session in which a man is speaking to his father (Dr. Raglan is acting as the patient’s father) and takes his shirt off to reveal sores of some kind that have developed as a manifestation of his feelings toward his father. This practice places Raglan as a genius to some, however, not to Frank. Nola, like Raglan’s other patients stay in a facility, and Candy, the Carveth’s daughter regularly visits her mother there. On one occas

Written by: PBF Ah, sweet 81 minute running time. How you make the pain so much easier to take. Actually, The Lost Boys: The Thirst is not as bad as The Tribe . In fact, it would be borderline not bad at all if they would just get rid of the stupid action movie hokey lines. And the crap “Cry Little Sister” cover. While Alan Frog was absent from the last film, he was referenced by Edgar who says that he knows what it’s like to lose a sibling to the undead or some such verbiage. The opening of The Thirst, shows us “5 years earlier” in Washington where a really old senator half vampire with vampire teeth dentures is about to feed on a congressman is interrupted by the Frog brothers. They save the congressman but Alan (again played by Jamison Newlander ) gets turned in to a half vampire. We go back to the present and Edgar ( Corey Feldman ) gets an eviction notice and one week to vacate his trailer. Still talking like Nolan’s Batman, he goes to a comic book store to sell some of his

Written by: PBF Land of the Dead is the last Romero “Of the Dead” film before the series gets sort of rebooted with Diary of the Dead . Coincidentally (or perhaps not), it is the last one that was fairly decent the whole time. The dead now outnumber the living. In Pittsburg, most, if not all of the survivors have fled to the city. The city is enclosed by rivers and an electric fence, which is patrolled by military. Within the city is Fiddler’s Green which is where the rich dwell. It has luxury living, a mall, restaurants. Outside of Fiddler’s Green is where the poor people live. People are hungry, ill, and cannot afford medicine. Riley Denbo ( Simon Baker ), possibly the prettiest man of the zombie apocalypse, and Cholo DeMora ( John Leguizamo ) are the commander and second in command (respectively) of the Dead Reckoning. The Dead Reckoning is a gigantic mobile assault vehicle that is used to travel out in to the apocalypse to retrieve supplies (food, medical, etc) and distribu

Written by: PBF I spent the majority of Of Unknown Origin on the thin line dividing like and dislike. Upon the arrival of the film's end, I fell over to the dislike side. Bart ( Peter Weller ) is an executive who is assigned a project by his boss that will guarantee his rise up the corporate ladder. While his wife and son go out of town, Bart stays behind to focus on his project. At random, we start to see very close up shots of a clearly over sized rodent. For some reason, a large rat that also lives in Bart's brownstone for who knows how long, suddenly decides that it will torment Bart, thus making it difficult for him to complete his assigned task. Bart also goes a bit nutty, and starts to obsess over the rat and learns as much as he can about vermin in general (at one point he views an illustration of one with the caption "of unknown origin," which explains the rather ominous and somewhat misleading title of the film). He spouts off a monologue filled with

Written by: PBF I’ll tell you, as anti 3D as I am, it didn’t bother me in Megamind . According to the internet, the 3D was complete garbage and/or useless, but I found it to be pleasant and comfortable to look at. Megamind ( Will Ferrell ) was sent to our planet at 8 days old (but highly intelligent) by his parents. In addition to this, another baby from another planet was sent to Earth and the two pods briefly collided, sending Megamind to a prison for the criminally gifted and the other child in to a home of a very wealthy couple and underneath their Christmas tree. The children are raised in their new homes, and end up going to the same school. As Megamind was raised by criminals, he is a bit of an outcast and ill behaved. The other child generally thwarts his behavior and wins the affections of students and the teacher alike. Constantly being placed in the corner, Megamind realizes that he isn’t good at anything, except for being bad, and makes the decision to become a villa

Written by: PBF Take everything that was good about the first one, reverse it, and make a new movie. BAM! The Lost Boys: The Tribe . Great music turns in to terrible music. Clever, funny dialogue turns in to weak, lame jokes. You get the idea. The Tribe is the first sequel to the original Lost Boys film that for some reason a group of people felt they needed to ruin the legacy of. This went straight to video, and it looks like a film that went straight to video. The only connection this film has with the original is that Corey Feldman reprises his role as Edgar Frog. Also, Haim shows up during the credits for about 2 minutes and is now a vampire. That is not a spoiler and the scene is not relevant to the rest of the movie. Chris and Nicole Emerson have lost their parents and move to California. Chris was a professional surfer that was kicked off the circuit after having snapped. I assume he repaired himself, because he is remarkably low key for someone who has snapped. Chris

Written by: PBF Ah, The Lost Boys . I haven’t seen saxophone playing that sexy since Rob Lowe in St. Elmo’s Fire . Both of those films are directed by Joel Schumacher . Hm. Sam ( Corey Haim ), his brother Michael ( Jason Patric ) and mother Lucy ( Diane Wiest ) are relocating to Santa Carla, California after Lucy has divorce the boys’ father. They are moving in with Lucy’s eccentric father ( Bernard Hughes ). Seeing things like “murder capital of the world” spray painted on a sign, posters with missing people on them and all kinds of weirdos running around the boardwalk do not exactly make the boys feel good about the move. Grandpa is also a weirdo, who likes smoking weed, taxidermy and keeping Oreos in the refrigerator next to his root beer. While out on the boardwalk one night, Lucy goes in to a video store and meets Max ( Edward Hermann ), the owner, and takes a job there. Sam visits a comic book store where the Frog brothers, Edgar ( Corey Feldman ) and Alan ( Jamison Newland

Written by: PBF I can quote the entire film, and yet every time I watch it, I laugh as if I have never heard any of the lines before. It’s kind of like Police Academy . Only there’s no academy. Also, it’s funny. The plot is simple enough for any drunk or high viewer to grasp. In fact it may enhance the experience to be inebriated. Enhance. Enhance. Seriously though, Super Troopers is probably quite funny when viewed under the influence but it is not necessary. We have a chapter of Vermont State Police that prefer to engage in buffoonery and chicanery rather than take their jobs seriously. This behavior has finally caught up to them as they face being shut down due to budget cuts. The local police department would benefit from this by getting more money. In addition to that the two squads are rivals and the local cops would love it if the highway cops were jobless. Soon a dead woman is found and a truck filled with marijuana is pulled over and each group of cops try to break the

Written by: PBF Coconut Pete is without a doubt, the best role Bill Paxton has ever played. Club Dread is the 3rd film by Broken Lizard, following Super Troopers . There is a resort called Coconut Pete’s Pleasure Island, in Costa Rica. It is your basic hedonistic paradise; lots of naked people, booze, drugs, etc. Coconut Pete is a former rock star in the vein of Jimmy Buffet who will be quick to remind you that his hit Pina Coladaburg was written 7 years before Margaritaville. On this island is the fun police, live Pac Man games (in which you might see the fruit from the game having sex with each other) and the legend of Machete Pete. Machete Pete supposedly killed a bunch of staff and castrated himself and ran off in to the woods never to be seen again. Soon after this story is told (around a campfire ala Friday the 13th Part 2) dead bodies start being found with cryptic clues carved in to them. With no way off the island, the staff must figure out which one of them is the kil

Written by: PBF The Killer Inside Me is based on a book of the same name by Jim Thompson. This is the second adaptation. A film also called The Killer Inside Me was released in 1976 starring Stacy Keach. This is the only incarnation of the tale I have imbibed. It is not a date film. This film is about Lou Ford ( Casey Affleck ). In a nutshell (no pun intended), he is a deputy sheriff that is not too complex on the surface. He lives and works in Central City, a small town in Texas. He speaks softly, with a charming accent. Also, he is consumed by an ever growing psychosis that causes him to lash out violently, mostly at women. Having to spank his mother’s ass as a child may have something to do with this. There is a story involving a prostitute ( Jessica Alba ), Lou’s girlfriend ( Kate Hudson ) and some money, but to be honest with you, the film could have had Smurfs in it and it would not have mattered. You are not supposed to notice the story so much as the violence. There a

Written by: PBF After watching this film and reflecting on it, I feel robbed. I feel like there should have been several hundred different things I should have felt that I did not. Similarly to my experience watching Feed , I felt like the subject matter of I Spit on Your Grave was treated with indifference. Jennifer is spending the summer in the country writing her first novel. She has rented a house by a lake. She stops at a gas station and the attendant is quite friendly. There are a couple of locals entertaining themselves over in the grass. When she arrives at the house she has some groceries delivered, and the delivery man is also very nice, and might be a little slow. What I assume is a result of a combination of boredom, sweltering heat and backwoods inbreeding, this group of men violently beat and rape Jennifer at 3 different locations and leave her for dead. This is something that they will soon regret in a terribly boring, anti-climactic fashion. Technically, this r

Written by: PBF Beerfest is the fourth film by comedy troupe Broken Lizard . I watched the unrated version on DVD and found it to be more humorous than I remembered. I assume that this is because most (if not all) of any recent viewings before this were on Comedy Central or some other basic cable channel, thus it was edited in to being unfunny. Johann von Wolfhouse, grandfather to Jan and Todd Wolfhouse, dies, and the brothers are sent to Germany by their Gam Gam (great grandmother) with his ashes. It’s Oktoberfest, and the Wolfhouses accidentally destroy a drunken celebration under a tent. They are taken to Beerfest, which is a drinking competition run by Wolfgang von Wolfhausen. Like the Olympics, teams from many different countries compete, and (unlike the Olympics) the Germans are the best. The German team are also Wolfhausens and it is discovered that they are the cousins of the Wolfhouses. However, the Wolfhausens are less than hospitable, claiming that Johann was a stable