Random Movie: Dragon Wars (2007)

Now THIS is the movie I was looking for! A low-budget, horribly-acted, crap movie to sit and just stare at in amazement. The amazement is born in the terrible plot, forged by lackluster direction, and cemented in the god-awful looking effects. To its credit though, Dragon Wars (or D-War as the cool kids would have called it if anyone else but me had seen this piece of trash) kept me entertained for a good ninety minutes. That’s more than I can say about many other films.

The plot (and I use the term as loosely as possible) centers around the strife between a good dragon and a bad dragon. Now, I spaced out during part of the exposition but from what I gathered, the bad dragon wants to have something that is for whatever reason stored inside a specific person every 500 years in order to rule the earth or get to heaven or something like that. During about 78% of the movie, this person is Sarah, played by Amanda Brooks, who was born with a birthmark in the exact and defined shape of a dragon. This means that upon her twentieth birthday, she will become dragon food … I think. Along to help her is Ethan, a Jared-Leto-looking reporter who was tasked with this duty years before by Robert Forster. As Sarah and Ethan (very) slowly catch up to the rest of the audience, the bad dragon is tearing his way through Los Angeles eating elephants and people but acting stealthy enough to only be seen by a zookeeper. The two must then find a way to ditch the bad dragon, meet up with the good dragon, and live happily ever after … I believe.

So, I was going to file this under the very underutilized crap category but I could not bring myself to do so. While this is a crap movie through and through, I get the feeling that it does not have pretensions to be anything else. In short, this is a movie stocked with B-grade actors, a C-grade script, and special effects that look cribbed from a 1995 Windows PC dragon game. Normally, this equation would equal an F for fail but there is a genuine attempt in this movie that just slightly elevates itself over other made-for-MST3K drivel (although if it were still around, whomever and the bots would have a field day with this one). Perhaps it is due to the inclusion of fan-favorite actors such as Chris Mulkey*, Elizabeth Peña, or Holmes Osborne; The Office’s Craig Robinson does not hurt either. Or maybe its charm is due to the extreme and over-the-top effects as the bad dragon annihilates downtown LA, which seems so out of place I would not be surprised if the producers had $20K left over in the budget and needed another fifteen minutes of film. The carnage is likely the most engaging aspect of the film as in one of the flashbacks (there are approximately three flashbacks within one if that makes sense) an army mounted on Tyrannosaurus rexs accompanied by giant slugs with mortar rounds on their back level an ancient village … in 1507! There were inconsistencies abound in this film that I could ramble on about but I will refrain as I am sure you get the point.

So, while I could riff on this film for days (caves in the greater LA corridor, military firing at a certainly occupied skyscraper to kill some winged things), I will concede that this was a fairly fun film to watch and laugh at. I suspect it would play better in a room with a bunch of drunken friends but I feel I would be better senseless if I suggest it so the world will never know. I don’t advocate you going out of your way to see this like I did but you shan’t need to actively avoid it. If it is on Sci-Fi on a lazy Saturday, you could certainly do worse.

*This makes two consecutive Random Movie appearances by Chris Mulkey. Maybe I should watch Ghost in the Machine for a hat trick. Eh, or maybe not.