Movie Scum

I typically see a lot of movies with my kids that I don't review here. That's not entirely out of laziness but more due to being uncomfortable critiquing something that was not necessarily designed for me. At some point for everyone though, you must step out of your comfort zone and do the right thing. For me, that point was taking my 4-year-old to see The Smurfs and hating it so badly that I must ward off any reasonable human being from seeing it. I'm not quite sure what irritates me the most: that I paid $15 for the two of us to see it, that it literally felt like the longest 90 minutes ever, or that I just indirectly contributed to the already announced sequel. Much like a good chunk of our readership (at least I assume), The Smurfs were one of those childhood staples that were always around, whether on TV, on the racks of the video store, or on the shelves at the local Toys'R'us. Truth be told though, I could've cared less about a Smurfs movie because it...

Written by: PBF Given its competition, Kung Fu Panda 2 is probably the last movie on most people’s list to go and see right now. I sincerely hope not, as Kung Fu Panda 2 is very enjoyable, even better than its predecessor and will entertain adults and children alike. In the first Kung Fu Panda , we met Po ( Jack Black ), a panda with a goose (James Hong) for a father and devoted fan of the Furious Five, a group of Kung Fu masters. He defeated Tai Lung and attained the title of Dragon Warrior. In the sequel, China faces a new villain, a peacock named Shen ( Gary Oldman ). Shen has vowed to destroy Kung Fu and has developed a deadly weapon to help him accomplish this goal. While fighting a pack of wolves stealing metal for the weapon, Po notices a symbol and suddenly has a flashback of his mother. This prompts him to ask his father Mr. Ping where he came from, as clearly he could not have been born of geese. He learns that this is true, but the story he is told does not reveal m...

Unbeknowst to me, the property Babes in Toyland was originally based on a 1903 stage performance that yielded two feature films in 1934 and 1961 with a made-for-TV movie which is our entry today. 11-year-old Drew Barrymore is Lisa Piper, who on the way home with her sister and friends in a blizzard, is thrown from the car into a tree rendering her unconscious. The majority of the movie takes place in Toyland, a fictional town from Lisa’s subconscious filled with Mother Goose characters, walking, talking animals, and a sinister man named Barnaby Barnicle who wishes to rid the world of toys. After interrupting the marriage between Barnaby and Mary Contrary (Jill Schoelen), Lisa meets the citizens of Toyland and is caught in a web of lies and deceit as Barnaby tries to implicate his nephew Jack-be-nimble (Keanu Reeves) in a nefarious cookie heist to take control of the town and the domain of the Toymaster (Pat Morita). With the help of Georgie Porgie (Googy Gress), Lisa, Mary, and Jack ...

Honestly, I wasn’t quite sure why I picked Ernest Saves Christmas as part of the inaugural 12 Days of Christmas Scum Marathon. Perhaps it was because Jim Varney was quite comical as Slinky-Dog in the first two Toy Story installments. Or maybe it was nostalgia from the annual tradition of watching it around this time just before the long winter break in middle school. While I can safely say it was much better than Elf Bowling, Ernest’s antics were nowhere close to my fond remembrances of them. I was shocked to learn (due to my extreme indifference toward him) that Ernest P. Worrell (Varney) was conceived as a local personality for television commecials which progressed into a TV series and no less than ten feature films. Having seen only a handful of those other movies, I cannot speak for the notion that Ernest is an almost self-aware, buffoonish caricature on purpose because his character merely comes off as a combination of annoying and “special.” Here we follow Ernest as he meets S...

Written by: PBF I’ll tell you, as anti 3D as I am, it didn’t bother me in Megamind . According to the internet, the 3D was complete garbage and/or useless, but I found it to be pleasant and comfortable to look at. Megamind ( Will Ferrell ) was sent to our planet at 8 days old (but highly intelligent) by his parents. In addition to this, another baby from another planet was sent to Earth and the two pods briefly collided, sending Megamind to a prison for the criminally gifted and the other child in to a home of a very wealthy couple and underneath their Christmas tree. The children are raised in their new homes, and end up going to the same school. As Megamind was raised by criminals, he is a bit of an outcast and ill behaved. The other child generally thwarts his behavior and wins the affections of students and the teacher alike. Constantly being placed in the corner, Megamind realizes that he isn’t good at anything, except for being bad, and makes the decision to become a villa...

Written by: PBF I almost feel kind of bad for giving a horrible review about a kids film. But I assure you, this film deserves it. Alpha and Omega is an animated version of the classic love story that involves a boy and a girl from different social backgrounds, in similar fashion of Romeo and Juliet or West Side Story. This one has wolves. Kate is an Alpha wolf. Alpha’s are more serious and responsible. Humphrey is an Omega wolf. Omega’s tend to have fun more and try to keep peace. It is arranged for Kate and Garth (another Alpha) to be married, however, Humphrey has a bit of a crush on Kate. Garth is a pretty boy, but has a weak howl, and apparently wolves mate (when not in arranged marriages) when their howls are the same. Some party happens and all the wolves are there. When Kate and Humphrey are alone talking, they both get hit with tranquilizer darts and wake up in a national park in Idaho. A goose that plays golf and his duck caddy inform them that they were brought ...

Written by: PBF Despicable Me is brought to us by Universal and Illumination Entertainment. Illumination has some seriously questionable projects going on. Like Where’s Waldo? and The Addams family directed by Tim Burton. Can we stop giving Burton films that can be easily transformed into a Bauhaus fan’s newest favorite picture? Gru ( Steve Carell ) is a villain. He hopes to be the worst, and thereby the best villain in the world. An unknown villain steals a pyramid in Egypt and the crime makes national news. Determined not to be outdone, Gru attempts to get a loan from the Bank of Evil. The loan is to fund the construction of a rocket. He plans to steal a shrink ray from a lab, take the rocket in to space, then shrink and steal the moon. The bank denies the loan, however, informs Gru that if he gets the ray, they will give him the money. They explain that he is old and that there are many younger, more capable villains that they would rather loan money to. One of these young...

In an effort to distract my daughter from wanting to watch Curious George (and I must admit, I wanted to see it as well) I put the movie Up on. She has seen it many times, but I had never. I am normally not a fan of Disney movies, or animated movies in general (despite my affections for TV shows like Aqua Teen Hunger Force , Ren and Stimpy , Invader Zim and others), but having watched Wall-E with my daughter, I have since changed that. I have assumed it is because both these films are Pixar, and from what I understand, they have an excellent track record. Up is the story of Carl Fredericksen, a 78 year old (voiced by Ed Asner ), as he tries to make it to Paradise Falls, an adventure planned with his wife before she died, and ultimately having it's roots in his childhood. They were obsessed with exploring new places and with an explorer named Charles Muntz (voiced by Christopher Plummer ). To accomplish this, he flies his house, which is where he met his late wife in childhood,...