Movie Scum

Written by: PBF If you have ever seen the films of Kevin Smith , you will notice that he usually works with a lot of the same people in each one. Most, if not all of them are his friends, and it is quite apparent that they all have a passion for film. Smith's production company View Askew , has given us a few films that were made by some of these friends, and A Better Place , written and directed by Vincent Pereira , is one of them. Barret ( Robert DiPatri ) is a new student and is pushed around quite a bit. While he doesn't really fight back, he does somewhat defend himself verbally, and pretty much all of his altercations are stopped somehow before they progress. A teacher may come in to a classroom, or in one case because Ryan ( Eion Bailey ), steps in. Another student, Todd, is pushing Barret around, and Ryan expresses his concern that Todd never picks on someone his own size, and challenges him to a fight. Ryan ends up breaking Todd's nose, whereas he only gets

Written by: PBF ***THIS REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS*** Let’s do some math. View Askew + clown = funny,  right? Not really. Vulgar is the story of Will ( Brian O’Halloran ), who is having a rough time of it in life. He lives in a crappy house, has a crappy car. His neighbors throw bottles at him. He is a clown for hire named Flappy, that makes birthday party appearances. While this is not paying very well (or sometimes at all) he loves it. His mother also lives in a rest home, which is yet another bill that he has to foot. Needing money badly, he comes up with an idea. In addition to being Flappy, the birthday party clown, he will become Vulgar, the bachelor party clown. An idea that would have immediately come to anyone’s mind, he will dress up as a clown, but wear lingerie. As a gag, he will come in to a bachelor party, tricking the groom-to-be in to thinking a gay clown stripper was hired instead of a whorish woman stripper. Obviously hilarity would ensue as all of the party

I am sure you have heard of a show called Hogan’s Heroes . Maybe even found it funny? No? Yes? Well after that show was cancelled, a little film called Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS was filmed on the set of that program. You also might find this movie funny, you sick son of a bitch. It actually is kind of amusing, but only because it is completely exploitative. Ilsa is a commandant of a Nazi medical/prison camp. She is conducting various experiments on women to prove her theory that woman can withstand pain far better than men. She also really likes sex, and will select a male prisoner to have sex with at random. She however is left unfulfilled when they achieve orgasm, so they are then castrated. That is until she selects an American (named Wolfe, oddly enough) who has the ability to go all night long and never climax. The film basically alternates scenes of sex and torture for 90 minutes. There are a few things you must know prior to watching this. Almost every female is nude at some

When did parody movies become synonymous with sexist, juvenile, pieces of fucking shit movies? I blame Scary Movie . At its time, Scary Movie was a decent spoof of Scream , I Know What You Did Last Summer , and the other dozens of teen-based horror movies of the late nineties. While it has been several years since I have last seen it, Scary Movie had some legitimately funny sequences in their own right and also as a parody of the referenced movies. So, why is Scary Movie the devil? Because of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. In fact, we could go as far back as Spy Hard to blame the decline of the spoof but no one saw that movie anyways. Apparently after the relative success of Scary Movie , Friedberg and Seltzer decided to take any meager accomplishments they might have had being two of six writers of that film and create a legacy of cinema that represents the very reason that people who read books, plant gardens, or raise hamsters think that movies are crap. Why am I dedicat

The Graves is the first movie from any of the After Dark series that I have seen. I cannot say I am in a hurry to visit the rest of them. In fairness, I cannot say I was expecting much from this film. Other than the brief synopsis provided by Redbox, I knew very little of it but I decided against a rational choice to complete last year's Oscar nominees for this instead. The Graves focuses on two sisters, Meg and Abby Graves (natch), who like comic books, Hot Topic, and heavy metal as they spend their last few days together before Meg breaks up the duo to go to school halfway across the country. In a pretty lame final hurrah, they set out in search of the world's largest thermometer and end up in a haunted ghost town somewhere in the middle of Arizona. There they run across a crazy-ass blacksmith, a crazy-ass realtor-looking guy, and a crazy-ass preacher. The story is very flimsy but I figured how hard can it be to screw up a run-of-the-mill horror plot which also feature

Taking place in the small Canadian town of Pontypool, we meet Grant Massey, former big-time radio host who has been unceremoniously dumped into this small market to his chagrin. What starts as a typically uneventful morning, school closings and obituaries are soon replaced with sporadic reports of violent mobs popping up over the town. The movie follows Grant, his producer Sydney Briar, and associate Laurel-Ann as they attempt to corroborate the strange events. Director Bruce McDonald stages the events remarkably well for a story that takes place within the same building, mostly the same room even, for its duration. Normally, one would expect there to be cutaway scenes showing some of the action or carnage unfolding outside but here there is none. We have three people, effectively trapped in a church basement, with only scattered reports from callers and their weather man to relay what is happening. This approach works quite well as not only do we get to experience the dynamic int

Film series typically do not get better over time. I could point to any collection of recurring films but you can draw your own examples of multiple movies that fall victim to the effect of diminishing results. The Twilight series is possibly an exception as it is based on a series of books by a first-time author, which as you might be able to attest from reading this site, who could only get better over time.

Twilight is one of only a few movies that I like in spite of the underlying story. As I am not a seventeen-year-old girl or a woman-of-a-certain-age or any other female in between, the bulk of the movie just does not appeal to me in the same fashion as other forbidden-romance movies do not. I watch movies to see things I cannot see otherwise and an angst-ridden love story can be found many times over without the fawning of females or the ire of everyone else in the middle.

Written by: PBF Hooray! Another movie where you can get into an argument with someone about whether a large chunk of it was either good or bad! The House of the Devil opens with Samantha, a college student, checking out an apartment for rent. She really wants it, and the landlady is very willing to work with her by waving the deposit, but Samantha is still short on cash. She takes a job as a babysitter that she sees advertised on a flyer. Samantha's friend Megan takes her to the mansion where the family lives, and it is discovered that there is no child. Mr. Ulman tells Samantha that he really needs someone to stay with his mother. Samantha is quite creeped out by this, but Mr. Ulman offers her $400. She agrees. Megan does not care for this at all and leaves quite annoyed, but agrees to return to pick Samantha up at 12:30am. The Ulmans leave as well and the "horror" begins. This film is an exact replica of late 70's early 80's horror movies in look, music,

Written by: PBF ***WARNING. THIS REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS*** Teeth has the potential to be very silly and outlandish, but is it remarkably restrained considering the subject matter. Dawn is a teen that gives presentations to other kids about “The Promise.” The promise is to remain abstinent. In fact, so pure is she, she wears a sweater with a unicorn on it. She meets Toby, who shares her vision and they instantly like each other. One day at the swimming hole,  Toby unfortunately tries to break this Promise with Dawn, to horrifying results. His dick gets bitten off by the teeth in Dawn’s vagina. As mentioned before, this premise may conjure images of poor quality special effects involving giant foam teeth or the like. However, we actually only ever see one tooth, extracted from one of Dawn’s victims. We do see a bit of emasculation aftermath, which is sure to induce phantom crotch pains to any male viewer, but, these scenes were quite realistically done (I can only speculat

Written by: PBF *THIS REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS* In season 3 of Project Greenlight , Marcus Dunston and Patrick Melton (writers), as well as John Gulager (director) were selected as the winners, and got to make Feast . Feast opens in a bar in the middle of a desert, where the patrons are doing normal bar things, like shooting pool and drinking. A man comes in covered in blood, with the head of some creature, and explains that there are 4 of these things, and they are hungry. He is asked who he is and he replies, “I’m the guy that is going to save your ass.” He is then immediately pulled through a window and eaten, the first one to die. His name? “Hero.” The rest of the film is spent watching the group band together and try to survive.

Um, yeah. So, Gummo sure is a movie. If you got 100 people drunk to the point where they became “philosophers,” and then showed them this film, then allowed them to discuss it with one another, World War III would erupt. People seem to either violently like it or violently hate it. Gummo implants you in to a town called Xenia, Ohio after a tornado has devastated it, killing a lot of the residents (and their pets according to the half assed narration).  We watch several different characters as they meander through life, and I assume dealing with their losses, some more outwardly than others. These people are poor, filthy and some demented, the latter possibly a result of the aftermath of the tornado. The film is a bizarre mix of “home footage,” live action, and some folks even directly addressing the camera. There really is no plot as such; we are simply taken for a ride through this miserable existence, and left to glean whatever we like from it.

Unlike some other teen-based horror movies that came out in the late 90s and early 00s, The Forsaken never really made a big splash when it first came out and seems to have faded into obscurity, relegated to random showings on late night cable even with the popularity of other vampire properties soaring. Like many of its cinematic brethren from that era, Forsaken really offers nothing new or differentiating in cinema or story. It is just a cleanly produced, slick offering catered towards the slightly younger crowd who probably would not notice its flaws. Kerr Smith stars as Sean, low-level assistant for a film studio in Hollywood who has been hired to drive a mint car to Miami where he will attend his sister’s wedding. On the way, he meets up with Nick, played by Brenden Fehr who seems a bit too knowledgable in helping a young girl who acts very erratic after being bitten by a vampire. Nick shares that he too was bitten by a vampire over a year ago but has been able to contain t

Written by: PBF Wow. I haven’t seen a franchise go downhill this quickly since A Nightmare on Elm Street 2 came out. So, Feast II picks up after the first one stops. We see all but two of the survivors driving off, as we did in the last one. Biker Queen, who thankfully is a biker, as her name might make for an uncomfortable work day in another vocation, comes across a dog with a hand in it’s mouth. Like any other rational human being would do, she shoots the dog several times with a shotgun. Upon inspection, she notices that the hand has the other half of a tattoo that she also has; the word “sister.” We find out that Harley Mom, who was killed in the first movie and Biker Queen are sisters. Bartender, who had a sort of heart attack and his throat slashed in the first movie is on the ground nearby and Biker Queen questions him about her dead sister. Bartender explains that Bozo (one of the survivors that drives off at the beginning) was responsible. So Biker Queen takes him as

Written by: PBF The title of this film coupled with my categorization of "horror" might throw you off a bit. Those two words in reference to a film may conjure up images of really horrible acting and demons killing priests or something. You will not find that here. This, in fact, is probably not comparable to any other film you have seen. Here is the basic plot of Antichrist , as there is a lot going on. A married couple, whose names are never revealed, are making passionate love, when their young son Nic, falls out of a window to his death. The wife, played by Charlotte Gainsbourg , is incredibly grief stricken, and spends a month in the hospital. Her husband, played by Willem Dafoe , is a therapist and decides that she is not getting the help she needs and takes her home and makes her his "patient." She acts out violently through sex, is generally inconsolable and has sudden attacks of anxiety. Her husband decides that she must face fear and be exposed to it di

Written by: PBF Repulsion is Roman Polanski’s first English language film. It is quite well done. Also, I am in love with Catherine Deneuve . Well, 1965 Catherine Deneuve. Carole (played by Deneuve) lives with her sister Helen. Helen, has a boyfriend, Micheal, who is married, yet spends a lot of time at Carole and Helen’s apartment, much to Carole’s dismay. It is clear almost immediately, Carole doesn’t like Michael and possibly men in general. Later we find out that this is an understatement. Carole has a boyfriend, or is dating a man named Colin, but tends to shy away from him and sometimes doesn’t even show up for dates. Carole goes so far as to throw away Michael’s razor and toothbrush because he puts them in her bathroom water glass. She doesn’t seem to have a hatred towards men so much as a dislike and even fear of them. This is indicated by actions such as vigorously wiping her mouth off as if it were dirty after being kissed and not letting Colin hold her arm. Helen an

Written by: PBF Jesus, where do these movies come from? Apparently from a producer of The Devil’s Rejects . Thanks, movie poster! Razortooth , I assume is the eel’s name. No one ever called it that, but it has sharp teeth, so I jumped to that conclusion. We find ourselves in the Everglades, or a reasonable facsimile. There is Delmar, who is with Animal Control, and can make the ladies wet better than a 15 foot long giant eel can (as you might imagine, what with the name Delmar), and his ex wife Ruth, who is the Sheriff. Delmar is doing Animal Control type things while Ruth is looking for 2 escaped convicts. There are also some young scouts (as in boy and girl scouts, but some generic movie scouts) who are paddling around in canoes. Finally we have some college kids who are meeting Dr. Abramson to help him with his eel project. As you have probably deduced without even having to watch the movie, we find out that Dr. Abramson is responsible for the eel. It is a product of genetic e

I must say I am a pretty uninformed movie goer sometimes. Case in point, I knew very little other than the basic premise for Splice going into it. However, I also knew that it received largely positive reviews when it screened at festivals earlier in the year, that it was a surprising pick-up by Warner Brothers, and it was going to be launched into theaters across the country to battle such populist dreck like Shrek and Marmaduke . I was expecting a well-done, but mostly generic sci-fi horror thriller but Splice is much more than that. Clive and Elsa are scientists under the wing of a pharmaceutical company tasked with synthesizing proteins to combat a gaggle of biological baddies, mostly for commercial uses. After successfully splicing genes from multiple species to create a miniature Starship Troopers brain bug, they want to advance their work and splice human genes. When this is shot down by the greedy bosses, Clive and Elsa forge ahead with the intention to terminate the expe

If it seems that Hollywood is all about the easy dollar these days with remakes, adaptations, and sequels to existing properties, you would be correct. But let us remember a time, back in the day if you will, that movies could be movies without launching franchises. Here are several pretty big movies that may (or may not) have missed their shot at spawning offspring. 9. Twister The inclusion of this film may be premature, but it is hard to believe that 1996′s $240 million blockbuster did not spawn a sequel. Maybe a sequel could shift the focus to Alan Ruck and Philip Seymour Hoffman in a small town where tornadoes are targeting a nuclear power plant. Oh wait. Zack Morris already did that movie. 8. Independence Day This is another one with recent rumbles of a sequel but who knows when we might see more of Bill Pullman playing President Awesome or Will Smith being … every other action star Will Smith has ever played. Now, I get that this is not a high-caliber movie but who did not

Three years ago, a guy like me would have never had a concept of, nor would have cared about, a B-series comic book hero like Iron Man. Sure, he is a superhero featured in a barrage of comic books but Iron Man did not have the household appeal of the other more well-known comic book superheroes. With 2008’s feature Iron Man , that all changed as the wealthy son of an intellectual rose to stand along side the The Dark Knight and the Man of Steel . Picking up where the previous film left off, Tony Stark has outed himself as Iron Man and is subsequently dealing with the consequences of the injury that birthed his suited armor and the power it entails. However, as a man who has “privatized world peace,” Stark enjoys his adventures fighting the big baddies as much as his detractors like to point out the danger in his technology’s existence. When the son of his father’s former collaborator creates a powerful suit of his own, Stark is busy fending off other corporate slimeballs, frenemi