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Random Movie: Teeth (2007)

Written by: PBF

***WARNING. THIS REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS***

Teeth has the potential to be very silly and outlandish, but is it remarkably restrained considering the subject matter.

Dawn is a teen that gives presentations to other kids about “The Promise.” The promise is to remain abstinent. In fact, so pure is she, she wears a sweater with a unicorn on it. She meets Toby, who shares her vision and they instantly like each other. One day at the swimming hole,  Toby unfortunately tries to break this Promise with Dawn, to horrifying results. His dick gets bitten off by the teeth in Dawn’s vagina.

As mentioned before, this premise may conjure images of poor quality special effects involving giant foam teeth or the like. However, we actually only ever see one tooth, extracted from one of Dawn’s victims. We do see a bit of emasculation aftermath, which is sure to induce phantom crotch pains to any male viewer, but, these scenes were quite realistically done (I can only speculate). The acting and directing were all quite competent as well. In fact, there really isn’t a whole lot to complain about, with the possible exception that is was pretty damn boring. Part of this was due to knowing that this woman had Vagina Dentata, but this is not present itself until about half way into the film, but by that time, the slow pace had almost lulled me to sleep. So when all the dick biting began, I was merely jolted into paying attention by the fear of this ever happening to me, and disturbing scenes like the one where a dog chews a freshly detached penis. It is rather funny to see Dawn go from rigid virgin to rapist dispatcher, but this film just really was hard to stay interested in the whole time, which is quite a shame, given is very unique and potentially life altering story line.

It is worth a viewing I would say, just to have seen a film like this, but don’t expect anything more than to be mildly uncomfortable and bored.

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